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Friday, July 21, 2006

Dawned on me last night how risk adverse i am. Realized that I never say, ask or pray specifically for anything coz i'm afraid to be disappointed if it doesn't materialize. So, for example, i've never asked God for a specific grade or outcome in anything that I invest/spend a lot of time and effort in. Instead, I ask that His will be done, that He bless me according to His riches and mercy and grace, that I'll trust Him and rejoice in any outcome...yadayadayada. You know, like vague, waffy prayers prayed which I think give God room to work as He wills?

But really, it's about me not being bold in asking, and being afraid to ask, and beyond that, lacking the faith to believe that I can pray according to my God-given desires, hopes and dreams and that He'll bless me with all He has stored up and prepared for me. Instead, I like to think that by just asking God to take control, I think I've done what's all that's needed - surrender. Surrendering to Him has therefore been something not all that difficult since it hasn't cost too much or been too risky.

However, been talking to Mich the last 2 days and she's been challenging my notion of surrender. Surrendering is not too difficult or that big a deal if there's nothing much involved - no real cost and therefore less to lose, no hope and therefore less room for disappointment. But the equation's not complete. Abraham sacrificed Isaac - the seed of promise, the one he had waited so long for, who meant incredibly much to him. He didn't sacrifice just some fattened calf, he was willing to sacrifice his own son. His sacrifice was his worship to God, and an extremely costly and painful one at that. He knew exactly what he was giving up - the one in whom all his hopes, dreams and desires were placed on - his son. Surrendering was extremely difficult for Abraham coz it cost him.

While I was in India, I saw this:

And the last one has always stuck in my mind for some strange reason - worship without sacrifice.

So i'm learning to be vulnerable before God, to ask according to the desires of my heart which He's placed in me, to tell Him what's truly on my heart, and to place these at His feet, knowing and trusting that God gives everything to those who surrender all to Him. afterall, faith begets.


and eunice ends here :
- 7:08 PM