Thursday, September 14, 2006
then it dawned on me during QT why i've been feeling tossed in the wind. realized tt i've unknowingly tried to do it on my own. yes, yet again. my oh-so-natural and subconscious way of functioning - doing as much as i can within the time constraints and all. so self-sufficiency, self-dependence, selfishness and self-pity have all crept in and taken over the past week. have tried pushing these icky self-related things away but they've lingered. until God pointed out the crux of the issue - that i was trying to do it on my own, yet again. thankfully, yet again, God's reminded me that i need to be surrendered. "My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So i live in this earthly body but trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." haha it's basically suicidal to go on on my own being the horrible perfectionist i can be when it comes to work coz i'll keep working at it till i think it's right, foresaking all else around me in the meantime. so unless and until i am surrendered and dependent will i always feel overwhelmed. but that's just not the way it's meant to be. (feeling overwhelmed i mean. heh) so, yet again, i need to be totally surrendered. heh itwon't necessarily mean conceptualizing and writing my paper will be easier or work will suddenly dissipate into thin air, but simply knowing that You live in me and You are in control, not me, and that You will see me through is more than enough. so i can loosen up and let go and let You lead me, even with more unexpected things cropping up and ever increasing demands coming my way, yet have the peace that You alone provide and trusting You. so......yet again, a declaration of dependence. :)
