Wednesday, October 04, 2006
flat out. kaput. somewhat woozy and "huh-ish". dazed.yah tt kinda sums out what i feel now. submitted my paper abt 15mins late and i'm praying so so hard she doesn't deduct marks coz of tt which she very well might coz she's so darn principled. haha oh well. i can't begin explaining how tough this last assignment was. didn't think it'd be half as hard as it turned out to be...not sure if i've felt as defeated as i did writing this paper as i have while writing other papers. it really was agonizing to say the least. haha realized tt i know close to zilch abt research technicalities (now i can't spell..tt looks wrongly spelt but i'm too lazy to find out now how it shd be spelt..haha) and what makes a lousy evaluation study reliable/valid/generalizable....haha man it's been a torture. so i submited my paper, not quite knowning what i was writing towards the end. guess it was comforting to know tt everyone else felt the same tho. heh strange how collective panic reduces one's panic? haha and realizing that man this is assignment two of infinity for this sem *pulls hair out*i think i've been fighting against myself a lot lately. like when i get stuck and really frustrated with everything, i feel like i just need to whine about it a whole lot, get it out of my system, and move on. but then i stop myself or restrain myself coz i don't like girls who whine. so it's a big fat pride issue. haha sq says i'm masochistic. i actually think i might have to agree with that. but it's kinda more than that. i mean i know in my head that God's there, that i need to depend on Him, trust Him, keep my eyes on HIm, enjoy the process and all of that...but u know when ur in the thick of things...those become soooo hard to do. and yes i try. and so i feel like i shdn't be whining coz yah...i shd just look to Him and call out for help from up above. like i shd be trusting and depending on HIm more to see me thru and all..coz i know He will, as He always has, seen me thru. so i feel conflicted. ok i think also coz i tend to look after my kids and feel like i need to have it together so i can look out for them, be there for them, pray for them etc. heh gee tt sounds an awful lot of what a strategic family therapist would label as a symptom of a problem rite? haha ok i think only cheryl might get tt...haha maybe God just made girls whiney so they wouldn't over think things and go on and on about trying to figure out stuff tt doesn't need to be figured out? haha ok now i think i'm really not making sense. oh well.
