Saturday, November 04, 2006
i kinda discovered something new about myself today. it's been one loong day again.had my very last tuition session with my girls b4 they take their O level paper on wednesday...and well...i think at the end of it all, attachment has indeed formed! despite the scolding, nagging, pep talking, and the ton of work i pushed them hard to do in the brief brief 3 mths i had them. and i realized that although i had a gazillion things to do this wk, i actually looked forward to tuition with them. something i always felt with si jay but never with them till now. and i realized that it was only as i began to enjoy them and appreciate them for who they are, that i began to love them and accept them and tap on their strengths. but that took time.then met my favourite (ok and currently, only) project grp to discuss our research findings. haha and as usual, had a ton of fun and we were super productive as we amazingly always are. then met the folks for a quick dinner before being tasked to drive home in the new car. and man was i brilliant. in my rush and stress to get out of the holland v carpark coz of the ton of cars ard me, i smartly forgot to release my handbreak and drove a good distance. kept wondering if the pick-up for the auto car really was so much worse than a manual car. haha so anyway, despite finding it so so much easier to drive, i was kinda stressed up driving the new car.so what did i learn from the various random events of my day that seemingly have no connection to each other? well, simply that i'm a creature of familiarity. i really really don't like the unfamiliar. i thrive in environments where i know what's expected of me, how i can contribute, what i'm there for, how much time we have and how much there is to do, when i know what needs to get done....that kinda thing. so tuition and proj meeting were great coz those were well within my element. but driving really isn't. and it stresses me out. i've always said that i'd rather be driven ard. haha and i guess that's coz i'm not good at it, i'm not familiar with the roads, i can't be great at it coz i don't get to drive often enough to different places, and well..basically it really ain't my forte. haha so when i know i can do something well, i'm a perfectionist. but when i can't, i try to avoid it. it's never really been something i've been consciously aware of - as in the combined effect of both. because now that i am, it's suddenly struck me how pervasive, far reaching, and subconscious my fear of failure and being incompetent is.
