declaration of dependence

Sunday, March 18, 2007

ok so finally, time to post something decent.
a ton floating around in my head so i'm gonna try making sense of it/organizing it here.

guess while i was struggling to write come up with my thesis draft (which by God's grace, i did! thank you for praying! :) ) and submit it so i could work on my 2 other papers/presentations this week, there were 2 things that kept me sane and kept me going. 2 crucial truths that stopped me from drowning in my awful self-pity and loathing about how crazy my final semester was turning out to be and how immensely far the end of the tunnel seemed. it sure felt like there wasn't an end actually. but then of course there is, and thankfully i'm learning to enjoy the journey. haha learning is the key word here.

anyway, so we're doing a sermon series on motivational gifts in church now and last week's was on the gift of exhortation. and i must admit that it's been really long since i've been gripped by what was God saying from the pulpit the way i was last sat. i was physically exhausted and spiritually dry and i honestly wasn't expecting much...felt like one of those services when you're there and you go through the motions. but God was there to meet me and speak straight into my heart which took me by surprise. says a lot about my spiritual state then eh. so it first came as a rebuke...a gentle, but clear one:

i was made to realize that i wasn't using the motivational gift He'd given me. i wasn't encouraging, exhorting, coming alongside people and doing the stuff He's enabled me to do. and i was beginning to feel the effects of not using my gift...or burying it...you see, everytime i looked at my organizer, i'd be overwhelmed by what needs to be done...and so i'd cut back on ministry...not in tangible ways..i still prepare bs and lead cg and all..but i know the difference - i'm not covering my sheep in prayer as much, i'm not meeting their indiviudal needs, i'm not being the shepherd i should be, i'm not challenging them grow, i'm not unconditionally there, yeah, the list goes on but u get the picture.

basically, i was in self-preservation mode. but i was wasting away without even knowing it.

dawned on me that although God gives us gifts to build others up, using them builds US up and draws US closer to Him. and well...the opposite is true. not using it leaves us feeling unfulfilled, dry, ineffective, and well....withered. realized that gifts aren't meant to just benefit those we serve, they're meant for us too! coz i soon began to feel this: "how come no one's coming alongside me? i need an outlet too...i need you to be there. i need someone to be there. why aren't you there?" and i was looking for people to meet my needs. but of course that wasn't verbalized. and it just festered and growed in me and ate me up. and God revealed my pathetic state of self-pity as it was. i'd stopped reaching out, i'd stopped giving, i'd started feeling sorry for myself and discontented, and i'd gotten bitter. and my eyes were on myself and my state instead of on my God and what's most important to Him. what a slippery slope that was.

and then He spoke words of comfort and encouragement after showing me the state i'd gotten myself in. and i realized that only He can satisfy. only He understood me perfectly, only He could comfort me, and only He could provide. and all i had to do was draw close and be satisfied in Him alone - not what people or circumstances can offer. and possibly for the first time in my life, Psalm 23 spoke deeper than it ever has.

"The LORD is my shepherd, i shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores me soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even thoguh i walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
i will fear no evil,
for your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me...
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever"

and therein, i realized the secret of it all. i needed Him and only He could be all i needed and more. if i want my cup to overflow out of the blessings and goodness God's showered in my life, i have to be continually filled and satisfied by Him and poured out so that i'll constantly experience more of Him in my life. coz but by not giving, i unknowingly cut off the flow of blessings from on high. no wonder i was dry and withered.

and so i was challenged to use my gift, to serve, to do what God's gifted me to do even if i didn't feel like i had the capacity to. and boy...it's made all the difference in the world when i chose to despite feeling inadequate. and in my brokenness and woundedness and inability, in the littlest of ways, the more i gave, the more i received, disproportionately more! and indeed i've been able to say "my cup overflows. surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

even when the going got tough and i began to grow physically weary and tired, one thing Dhoby said struck me and helped keep me on track. He reminded me that God's holding on to me. and that was all i needed to know and hold on to. coz then i was assured once again that "i shall not be in want...(that) he restores me soul...(that he'll) comfort me"

what more can i ask for?

and eunice ends here :

- 12:22 PM