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Monday, April 09, 2007
ok so i haven't really sat down to work on my laptop since thursday coz we've had too many long sessions in the past several weeks...so apart from coming online to check mail and stuff, i've steered clear of anything that required me to think. haha which includes blogging. as in a proper post lah..guess there's just been a lot on my mind since work ended...like i said before, i think my brain's only able to cope with major issues one at a time coz it automatically shuts out all other major but non-urgent issues till the urgent major issues are out of the way...(don't get me wrong, i can multi-task as i always claim to be able to do, but only things that are of lesser importance..haha)so i've had a few really good conversations of late that have made me stop and evaluate the way things are, how they got to their current state, and whether i want them to remain that way or not. and this applies to so many different things in my life right now...guess realizing that the grass will always seem greener on the other side, that there are painful but necessary decisions to make and stick by, that you can't have it all, that there'll definitely be an element of risk and a huge one at that, that there'll certainly be uncertainty, that idealism and reality are gonna clash with each other and not knowing if i'll be able to reconcile them, that unless the conscious does not make up its mind, the subconscious will likely take over, and that...i'm basically growing up - is all rather scary and discomforting for me. kinda feels almost like i'm fresh out of JC and i'm clueless about my next move...i knew there was uni, just like i know there's work, but i didn't know what i was gonna do, just like i have no idea what i'm gonna do now. believe these things are called transitions. hahaso it was a really strange yet nice feeling going through my very last class of uni this morning...Dr Ng bought breakfast, coffee and tea and we sat around to chat and all and had a guest speaker and he spoke about the school to work transition and....i just feel so far from ready from it. but i also know that i've never been more ready for it than now coz i believe what God's wanted me to learn from school, i've learnt. it's taken me a loooong time to learn it coz of my own stubborness and all, but i've finally learnt i think...which means it's time to move on to something else. so if i were to sum it up, i'd say that i've learnt how to be dependent and that apart from Him, i really can do nothing and am nothing. seemingly simple lessons but for i've taken really long to internalize them.but that's just one aspect of life...Mils always says that we can be smart or "wise" in some areas but totally inapt or "foolish" in others. haha and she maintains that i'm a fool in other areas. haha which i agree with, and which is why i'm glad she's there to help me grow in those areas, as with other amazing people i have alongside me.and so as i think about where i'm gonna go or what i'm gonna do in under 3 months, i come up short coz i'm entirely clueless. and i'm left to fall back on the very thing i've learnt - utter and total dependence.and when i realize that once again i'm met with a blank sheet, i remember that it's time to seriously seek God and allow Him to pen down His plans and direction for my life.....
and eunice ends here :
- 11:55 PM