declaration of dependence

Saturday, June 30, 2007

time oh time where have you gone???

i'm starting work in 2 days! where'd the week go? just realized that the last time i posted anything was almost a week ago....it really didn't seem that long ago. well ok so since then, i've been away with my parents for a couple of days and spent the last few days painting and re-doing parts of my room. wow....so that's taken up the entire week.....

anyway, i'm extremely pleased with how good my room looks now! : ) it's almost done but not quite. gotta put the finishing touches to it tmr and pack up the rest of it. love the new paint coat and space and lighting : ) it's as if i'm really gearing up to start a new phase of life with the old being gotten rid of and the new replacing what's now gone...heh. well Gerard gave me an excellent idea of having a room-warming party. haha doubt there's time for one though! but i've kinda promised my cg something similar to a room-warming party coz i told them they can come play Pit here after i'm done with my room. haha no prizes to guess who's grand idea it was to Pit!

anyway, i had a good time tonight. met up with my Social Policy and Planning cum Advanced Research cum Welfare Econs group for dinner...it's been a long time since we last caught up....think our last meal together was at Eusoff hall having Jap food after our final exam. haha and suddenly, it seems as if we've all be teleported off onto entirely different roads, tho we're very much in the same phase. Kenny's just started training at SIA, Cheryl's experiencing "teething issues" adjusting to working life, Gerard's enjoying Wini's company and her querky ways while doing what he's brilliant at - working with the elderly, Mils is starting work the same time i am next week AND getting married in Nov!! haha how exciting everyone's life is!! we're doing such diverse things, yet they're such excellent fits for each of us.

so we're all adjusting to post-schooling life and are the poorest we've probably ever been after having come back from grad trips and not yet having received our first pay cheque. in a span of just over a month, we find outselves in such different circumstances. yet, i think the one thing that we each took away from the evening spent catching up was how crucial the social support we provide for each other is. we're going thru such unique struggles and challenges in our respective roads of life, yet i think we've not felt more understood, or "home" as we talked tonight...

ah, so now i do have something of extreme worth and authenticity to say during my live interview on what was most precious about my NUS life. : ) you guys are such a blessing!

and eunice ends here :

- 1:25 AM

Sunday, June 24, 2007

i love the fact that majority of the Chi girls are home coz it allows us to meet up more regularly as a group! today, it was lunch at Ana's and Anju di di whipped up a fantabulous Indian meal for Ana, Mich, Amu, Maz and i! : ) was the perfect way to spend a lazy sunday afternoon just sitting and slacking and spending the afternoon chattering away with the girls...

anyway, we spent most of the afternoon talking about the double lives we lead. it's really hard to explain so i'm not gonna try. but anyway, it struck me how truly blessed and fortunate i am to have gone to schools that were each so different from each other, for all my various experiences, and for each of the friends i've made along the way who've played small but integral roles in shaping me and my outlook in life.

i think that in particular, time in each school and serving in youth min have definitely contributed to helping me balance the double life i lead.

and now that i'm about to start work, i know that who i am is a result of each experience. yet, i know that people are most probably going to form their impression of me based on very selective experiences i've had. and so there'll definitely be stereotypes and assumptions to fight off and prove wrong.

but i hope that i won't be fighting them off for my own sake. i pray that my core motivation will be to reflect my Maker and not what i'm made of.

and eunice ends here :

- 10:31 PM

Friday, June 22, 2007

haha boy have i been lazy! there've been so many blog-worthy things that have gone on but i've just let them slip by me...i think coz there's no real need to get on my laptop except to check mail and even then, there's no longer pressing mail that i've gotta check since there's nothing important or pressing going on in my life. at least not for now. and it's quite a nice feeling.

haha but that's somewhat the general theme of my life right now...everything's so fluid and non-important and non-consequential and yeah...i don't quite know how to put it. i love what i'm doing now and how life is...but it all seems so forgetable too. there definitely have been highlights like bunking over at mich's and having her cook me dinner, going for the Jeremy Monteiro concert, celebrating lav's bday with Chindia...or are those just the more recent things? you see???

perhaps it's coz i'm not making the effort to write about them or talk about them coz that's how i remember things.

anyway, so the big question everyone's been asking me is "are you looking forward to starting work?" and the answer has gotta be yes. i know the last post sure didn't sound like it...but that was a minor moment of panic. haha i actually do crave new things and fresh starts. it excites me! yes, this extends beyond the clothes, in case you were wondering. i think it'll give my life more definition and structure than it has now and i quite want that. of course i'm gonna miss all this time i have to slack and do whatever i want...it's always like that, isn't it? you don't quite realize how much something is worth till it's taken away.

guess that's something i've been learning. sometimes, only when things of the past are gotten rid of or taken away from you do you really get on with life. however, it does leave you feeling kinda sad. but i suppose that on the brighter side of things, there's always something to learn from it. i really don't believe in living with regret. it's a waste of time and energy. maybe that's why i disconnect so easily. but i'm not sure that's necessarily a good thing either.

for instance, i did better than expected in my final sem but i still missed a first class...but it doesn't matter the least bit to me. i don't know why. perhaps coz grades have lost their significance to me. but that shouldn't errode how thankful i am and how much i am in awe of how lavish God has been with his blessings these 4 years. (i love how writing this reminds me of what i need to be reminded of. it's as if i'm talking to myself coz i really haven't been a fraction as grateful as i should be.)

so lavish indeed. was reminded by my mom...reminded seems to tame a word actually...more like scolded. ok so i was scolded by my mom for spending too freely on things i don't need. think that i've always thought that since i've earned my own pocket money since i graduated from jc, i was free to spend it anyway i wished. and there always seemed to be enough...whether it was from teaching or giving tuition or scholarship allowance. and so i never had to account how or what i was spending on. but i think that as i look back, i've really not been a good steward of all i've been blessed with. my parents have consistently modeled what living a simple life is and i think i've just not learnt. but i really have to work on that now that i'm starting work.

ironic though, how from now till i actually start work, i'm gonna be doing nothing but spending more money! work clothes, new stuff for my room......

anyway, was talking to ems, my bro, and farand over supper the other night and came to the painful realization that i'll prob only get 40% or less of my salary to spend...coz the rest of it goes to cpf, insurance, savings, tithes, missions, parents, tpt, usana pills.......................

so i am an adult. i need an excel sheet to get my finances in order. or rather, a financial planner, according to my supper buddies' advice. i need more discipline.

i need to learn to live more simply and have a less cluttered life. boy is that gonna be hard.

but talking to eric just now about how i wanna be a stayhome mom, if i ever become a mother, made me realize that i can't just want a husband who's willing to live simply so that it's possible for me to stay home. i've gotta do that too! and it doesn't happen overnight. oh mygollyme. what habits to break and make. and i've gotta stop thinking "i'll deal with that in time to come when i have to...i'll just start work for now" coz that ain't gonna work.

so yeah...perhaps it's time to finally learn what "to whom much has been given, much is expected" means in practical, grounded terms.

boy has this been one long rambly post that took a long time to process and write. another reason why i've not been blogging. coz i've had to be up early every morning. haha

and eunice ends here :

- 12:04 AM

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

what if i can't?
what if i lose myself?
what if i don't perform?
what if i get too caught up with the need to perform?
what if i get sucked in?
what if i forget what's truly important?
what if i end up selling my soul to the job, only to realize that i've got only myself to blame for it at the end of the day?
what if i become like what everyone says people w/o direct practice experience are like?
what if i get caught up in trying to prove them wrong?

and...

will i be able to not be a perfectionist?
will i be able to strike and maintain that delicate balance between putting in my best and knowing when enough is enough?
will i be able to reflect who He is to people around me?
will i be able to lose my need to impress?
will i be able to remain faithful till the end?
will i be able to serve and spend as much time with my cg and in youth min?

oh trust me, the list of what ifs and will Is could go on and on and on...

everyone has warned me about the potential pitfalls and vices of the working world. so i know them...but what if i fall right into them? what if there are others i haven't heard about those and i fall into those? i'm sure i haven't heard them all...

i've heard so many sermons and read so many things of late that i so badly want to hold on to. but what if i fail and i can't and don't?

then i'm reminded of grace. grace that saved me, grace that will cover every fault. grace that will bring me back to the arms of One who loves me. grace that is more than sufficient. grace that abounds. and grace that will see me through.

funny how the greatest and most important lesson i learnt from 4 years of being in uni was dependence. looks like i'm about to re-learn it all over again from scratch. new lifestyle, new environment, new people, new expecations, new challenges, new perspectives, new everything...(i think the only thing i like about this list of new things is new clothes!!!! :))

thankfully i have an unchanging God.

and eunice ends here :

- 11:07 PM

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

so i've been lazy...and the longer i put off posting, the harder it is to coz too much has gone on and i don't know how to compress them or summarize them...and eventually i just don't. haha oh well but here's a feeble attempt.

a summary of significant events:

retreat was great! the messages were exactly what i needed to hear, worship was so refreashing after not having been to church in over a month while being away, and catching up with everyone was fantastic. more than that, it was nice getting to know new people too. got a chance to talk to Darcy more, to hear more about Lily's ministry in Central ASia, to goof around with Hanah and Val, to get to know some of the young adults...and of course to hang out with some of my favourite pple. : )

hmmm what else. oh, i'm in the midst of deciding which job to take. thought for awhile that i was definitely going to take my first offer...then something else came along and i'm much swayed. will have to make my decision by tmr and boy it's kinda hard. ok not really coz i've had so much help and insight from the people i've spoken to and well...i'm more inclined towards one than the other...it's just strange how it's all turning out i suppose. it feels like i'm defying everything i've been told the last 4 years in school and doing what we were told not to - go into macro level work without direct prac experience. but then again, i've been encouraged to by people who know me, who have a wealth of experience, and who i really respect. i think what's weirdest about this entire episode is how i feel like i'm being stalked for my answer. as flattering as it is, i'm fighting from letting it get to me..coz most importantly, is this where God wants me? i'm excited and afraid of what's coming my way all at once...

ah, the other interesting thing that's happened is that what i thought is/was a rather inconsequential relization from being away has turned out to be more significant and meaningful than i thought it'd be. i guess it's how i'll internalize it that matters now. anyway vera dear, thanks for telling me that it mattered to u. : )

oh, and i've been spending a lot of time with my parents to make up for all the time i was away and in anticipation of having less time with them once work starts...it's been great and i oh i really don't wanna start work....i'm missing the student life already! haha so i digress.

ohoh! i'm gonna attempt to semi re-do my room. getting rid of my piano which has been untouched for a long while now to make space for more wardrobe space..gonna repaint my room too and so i figured that while i was at it, i might as well do a little more (if i get the inspiration to) to tweak my room a little. kinda like a synchronized transition from student to working life i guess.

yup so that's about it i guess...other than that, it's back to meeting up with as many pple as i can in the little time i have left while saving time and space to be alone. haha what a delicate balance...ok for now, it's bed time...looong day ahead tmr..but i look forward to it. i sure hope i can say that when i start work!! haha

and eunice ends here :

- 11:28 PM

Monday, June 04, 2007

so i'm finally home...it really hasn't felt like a month, especially towards the end of my trip...but here i am. sitting in my room at my study table typing away at my laptop, finally with time and space to think and write...the wonderful familiarity of it all...yet a strange restlessness i feel as well..i wish i had more time with the girls in London and to see London...but perhaps it's the brevity of it all that makes the memory of it all that much sweeter and the time spent together all that more precious. : ) can't wait to get my hands on the Chi pictures...Lav's right, i think i was happiest those last 3 days of my trip out of the 30 we spent in Europe. it wasn't the Big Ben or Tower Bridge or Buckingham PAlace...it was simply spending time with my girls over the breakfast table or dinner...

my parents are away at church retreat and the brother was suppose to be out all day too but he stayed home with me today in the end which i'm mighty glad for! think i'd be really bummed out if i came home to an empty house! missed my family a whole ton so having kor home to talk to all afternoon has been nice : )

anyway, so the past few posts have just been quick 5 min updates on where i am and what i'm doing/going to do. didn't quite get the luxury of time to post more than that till now...but even now, i actually haven't quite consolidated my take-aways from my trip. haha i will in time...for now, guess i'm not entirely sure how various things i've seen and observed and experienced change things now or reshape the way i look and feel about stuff...

what i'm certain about though, is that i definitaly am glad to have gotten away from everything for a month..it's amazing what space and distance does to put things in perspective. maybe i have more questions than i have answers now about life in general though...like how things are gonna be like when i start work in under a month, where i will eventually end up working at (yeah, going for an interview with them tmr and i have no idea how that'll go but it shd be interesting since ncss is "recalling" me for the 2nd time tho they know i already have a job offer), what expectations to have, how i'll cope and adapt, how i should draw or redraw boundaries, how i should or want to live life, whether what seems so elusive will actualize, whether i'm willing to go back to my comfort zone or keep pushing out of it till there isn't one i stagnate in or when i no longer allow myself to stay in....haha as heavy going as all that sounds, some of it is really trivial..trust me.

oh, so i looked through my pictures and got bored of them pretty quick coz most of them are just of buildings and scenary and inanimate things. haha so it's not surprising that my favourite pics are the back-to-back ones with lav or the craziest people we've met along the way and the girls. here's a quick sampling..

lav and i in Venice in front of the gondolas..

these are some of the coolest dudes we hung out with...our venice buddies!

and then of course this is Chi! Wei, Sheena, Ana, Mich, IVan, Lish and Anand infront of Tower Bridge after dinner at Strada.. : )

and eunice ends here :

- 5:12 PM