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Saturday, July 07, 2007
so i'm officially a working adult! started work on mon, been doing OT, had my last legitimate MacDonald's student meal yday, and graduated today. and i am oh-so-exhausted. too tired to use the comp at nite, too tired to blog, too tired to exercise, too tired to read, too tired to do too many other things...the list goes on.anyway, i've been trying to make sense of how i feel about work...and i think i've somewhat come to terms with it. i finally figured out what my struggle is. it's not the amount of work/projects per se...it's more like i don't know what's expected of me. actually i do. the projects i'm in charge of and my portfolio have been made clear to me...but i don't know how to write the stuff i'm suppose to write. it's not academic anymore...writing for approval is a completely different ball game and one that really requires skill at that! and i struggle with trying to figure it out on my own coz when told what's needed for the project/assessment, it seems so darn straight-forward and too easy. but when i actually get down to writing it...i don't know how! i can't even begin to articulate how frustrating it is. and so since it is my work and everyone else is up to their head in work, i try to figure it out on my own. and i don't know when i should ask for help or when i should figure it out on my own. and so i try to tough it out and i get more and more muddled in my head and then when i finally get help, they ask why i didn't ask earlier and that i should have just felt free to ask...but then i feel like i should be responsible for figuring it out on my own....argh. maybe it's just me. everyone tells me to take it easy, that it's my first week, that i don't have to get it right all at once, that it takes time....but everything else seems to say the opposite! the expectations, the pace, the workload, the vibes....i don't know...maybe it really is just me. i want to get it right, i want to nail it....but i suppose it'll take time. perhaps it's just my pride that i need to get over. i honestly haven't felt as lost or small or uncertain about things. there are so many different protocols to things, different procedures, different ways of saying and doing things and conveying messages and information and it's all so....complicated and layered.i wonder why people bother with some much formality sometimes. what purpose does it serve? doesn't it just make things less efficient and leave one with less time?oh time...if only i had more of that...i've got like 10 trees worth of files to plow thru to get my next few assignments done. and so even though i focus on getting one done at a time so i don't get overwhelmed, before i know it....it's lunch time...then it's like 5pm and i know i'm doomed to work OT...time just flies by me in the office! and so i've stayed later and later since the first day of work. and i know its partially my fault but also partially due to unforeseen circumstances that i've been out till 11pm every night this week to run errands/meet or visit friends...so that doesn't help...i wake up each day more exhausted than the day before...and my QT this week has been crap. and i know it's affecting me in more ways than one....so yeah, i so need to get back on track. i guess that really is the root of all my self-directed frustration. so tmr's gonna be sleep in day and extended QT time...i really need it. i need to finally be still. i need to get my bearings right. i need to abide.anyway, i'm so glad i went for JPM today. funny how i honestly was semi-dreading it coz i'm so drained and tired and i hadn't had dinner and i only left the office at 730 and i was expecting the time to crawl by at jpm...but it went by much faster than i thot and i was really refreshed and it was a good reminder that my heart needs to be set right...so yeah...it's been quite a crazy week...more changes than i'm used to but God's been really good. i've got great colleauges and so that's definitely a huge plus point. oh! and i graduated today! that's another testimony of His faithfulness and goodnes! : ) haha isn't a big deal to me but it finally dawned on me during the ceremony that it really has been a good 4 years...i'd give anything to go back to those days. haha ironic ain't it? but truly, i've been blessed beyond measure these 4 years...and so i keep telling myself that the same God who saw me thru the craziness of uni will see me thru the craziness of working life. i really am learning a whole new form of dependence...it's never been harder...
and eunice ends here :
- 12:10 AM