Tuesday, October 16, 2007
i've made an interesting discovery about myself...one that i've been somewhat conscious yet unbelieving about coz it remains unproven...I think i'm commmitment-phobic. and i discovered this in a rather strange kinda way.ok so i went running with ade on sun evening and we chanced upon three rabbits in the middle of some field near Innova. so we all know eunice doesn't like kids and pets too much...she likes them for awhile to play with...but not to keep. but in the 10-15 mins ade and i played with the bunnies, i very rapidly fell in love with them. surprise surprise.just as we were about to cart them home with us in the cage and we were talking about how much Asher would love to have them and how i actually contemplated bringing one home with me, this man came out from his worksite and said the rabbits were his! gee did our hearts sink...but it made me think about getting a rabbit or two of my own...for real.so i told my animal-lover colleagues about it when i got to work yday and Yvonne said I really should consider getting them from SPCA. she then went on to tell me what having a rabbit involved and i must say....i chickened out. haha the commitment involved scared me...she said i had to feed it, clean its cage, play with it, make space for it, spend time with it, yadayada...she assured me that rabbits were quite easy to care for...which i somewhat agreed...easier than a cat or a dog i suppose...and more fulfilling to have than a fish or a frog...but after thinking about what was involved, i figured i just wasn't ready to make that many changes to accomodate something new in my life. hahaha so here's where one can draw 2 lessons. one can externalise and tell others that they should learn from my lesson and not get a pet on impulse and later abandon it when the going gets tough and the reality of caring for a pet sets in. but one can also internalise the events that transpired and realise that she's really rather commitment-phobic. i know i can't handle the commitment so i bail before it becomes one i've gotta deal with. to which Yvonne said "but once you love it, you'll make time for it and do it" but that's exactly it. i know that to be so, so true. once i allow myself to fall, i'm all in. so i usually bail before that even happens.maybe that's why something a speaker said at a lecture series i attended last week struck me. though taken out of context somewhat, what he said about how relationships always involve some risk, really got me. coz it's true and i know it. i'm just not willing to take it unless i'm convinced it's worth it.and often...i need to be convinced. that's the bottom line really.i just need to be convinced. and it's not difficult. i know lav would agree with me. hahaha
