declaration of dependence

2008-01-18T22:54:00.000+08:00

yikes...again it's been awhile since i last attempted to keep my blog alive...

i'm harbouring thots of shutting it down since i'm so lazy abt it...heh but like my Goose, my fluff friend turtle (it's ok if u don't get it...), others help maintain it for me...so it somehow stays alive...haha told my colleagues tt i'm really not good with anything tt requires real time commitment...ade, the plant u gave me at christmas died....not tt i did'nt try looking after it...there was a spider mite in it tt was killing it so the plant specialist in my office said i had to dump it : (

anyway, i haven't done it here and so i shd...tho a bit late....but anyway, if i were to list 10 blessings from last yr, this wld make the list :

how my cg has grown!! in numbers and also in depth...i've had the awesome privilege of spending really good times with some of them towards the end of the yr and just hearing them talk shows me how God's really at work. and tt really has been the highlight...watchnite and christmas and telunas and all...it was abt seeing my cg grow tt made me glow. hahaha how cheesy's that?
my job!! i thank God for excellent colleagues, a fantastic boss, work i truly enjoy most of the time...and yeah, i wouldnt' trade it for anything else...tho i've decided tt i can't work for too long...it's too tiring...haha
graduating! i'm so so so glad i'm done with school...i hardly miss it...heh sure i miss the friends, the time...but tt's abt it...i truly enjoy now the ability to shut off and get away from work once i leave the office and not have to work late into the nite :)
clarity - was reflecting abt what's changed since the last time i sat on the jetty at Telunas exactly a yr back and i realised it was tt God had really made some things really clear to me in the past yr. the yr before, i had a lot of qns but this yr, they seemed to have answers to them...at least in part so i'm very thankful...
family.
grad trip! going away for an entire month to europe was simply amazing!
being able to start work and still serve as actively in youth ministry...in fact more actively! :)
telunas
telunas (heh it's so good it's a double count)
being able to start a new yr and start counting all over

ok it's late now hence the reduction in quality as we proceeded down the list. heh but really, it's been a really long, good year and i'm nothing but thankful :)

2007-12-26T14:33:00.000+08:00

that's something quite unexplainable about it.

i'm physically back at work but i couldn't be further in every other way. been looking longingly at telunas photos on farand's flickr site and wishing a million times over that i was still there.

i honestly can't place what it is about telunas but it's probably my favourite place in the world at this point. it's tranquil. it's exactly the same a year after we'd last been there. it's beautiful. it's simple. it's where i could just sit for hours undistracted and meet with God and know i'm in His presence. it's where i see and recognise His hand in creation. it's where i know without a doubt that my God is bigger than i ever imagined Him to be. it's where i spoke heart-to-heart with people. it's where there are so many crazy memories like the water game and details that ought to be forgotten...

i suppose more than the place, the highlight of this year's telunas retreat was simply being away from the busyness of life to connect with God and people and be totally refreshed.

so now that i'm back at work...i'm still pining for telunas and to be there with people i've grown to really love over the years. it should have energised me to dive back into work and ministry but it's kinda just left me wistful. haha thankfully all the bosses are not at work today either...gives me some time to ease back into work after a week away...

2007-12-11T11:15:00.000+08:00

there's something really beautiful about friendships...they've an amazing ability to brighten up the most mundane of days.

met mich for lunch today and claire totally surprised by showing up too! so we just caught up over thosai from ghim moh market on a wet, wet monday afternoon but it was the best lunch i had in awhile with my girls...

was suppose to go running with kel and cor at night too but it had rained all day so we opted for dinner at ikea instead...and since we didnt know whether we'd get to meet up over christmas again, we decided that since it was wet and cold, and we had great christmas music from my pod, we'd take a drive down orchard to soak up the christmas feel and some...and to top it off, we swung by starbucks for a toffee nut latte and hazelnut hot chocolate...

so that was monday : ) and it was made beautiful by fantastic company : )

thanks guys!

need these perks every now and then...esp after a long, heavy going wk like the one before...

we're 2 weeks from christmas!!! and 1 week from telunas!!!! can't wait! : )

in case i don't post for the next decade or so, merry christmas everyone!

2007-12-01T15:37:00.000+08:00

haha i suck. it's been more than a month since i last posted anything.

just haven't found the time to do it. and i think this is the first time i've been on the computer on a weekend since i started working...heh guess coz it's also the first time i've been home on a weekend since goodness knows when.

so i finally understand what it means to have a lazy saturday...feels pretty nice for a change...rather than the full day in church playing touch then lunch and having cg and going for service then hanging around till late...

so since i've officially been on the job for 5 months and i'm gonna be confirmed next week, figured it's time to kinda take stock of it all. realised a couple of things...

1. despite how much work there is to do in the office, i feel like i'm not thinking as hard as i used to when i was studying. i miss doing research, being able to spend hours reading and synthesizing stuff and writing and thinking and yeah...work's just alot different...there's always an endless list of things to do and i guess coz the demands come from all over all the time, there's less time to really think. u've just gotta do do do. so working hard ain't the same as thinking hard.

2. and working hard without thinking hard is an easy mode to slip into. it's productive and efficient...but i'm not convinced i'm giving my best. so i've decided that i definitely wanna change that. i don't know how but i wanna be spending more time doing research and reading...haha but where the time to do that is gonna come from at work, i honestly honestly don't know.

3. and i guess then coz i've not been as analytical and critical and sharp about things as i used to be and coz there's less time to think, i've become less self-reflective.

haha so work can be degenerative!!! wanna break out of that...don't wanna just cruise on auto-pilot anymore...think that mode's encroached onto other aspects of life like ministry and keeping up relationships and all...i suppose i really miss being excited about things...about challenging and being challenged...about knowing where i'm headed (then again, i never really do know coz i mostly go with the flow...).

so i'm going back to a place where i "re-find" my passion, my direction, and my purpose...sounds like some big overhaul but no...really it's just stealing away to be with my Father so that my compass may be realigned and my feet planted in the right direction... : )

2007-10-16T09:46:00.000+08:00

i've made an interesting discovery about myself...one that i've been somewhat conscious yet unbelieving about coz it remains unproven...

I think i'm commmitment-phobic. and i discovered this in a rather strange kinda way.

ok so i went running with ade on sun evening and we chanced upon three rabbits in the middle of some field near Innova. so we all know eunice doesn't like kids and pets too much...she likes them for awhile to play with...but not to keep. but in the 10-15 mins ade and i played with the bunnies, i very rapidly fell in love with them. surprise surprise.

just as we were about to cart them home with us in the cage and we were talking about how much Asher would love to have them and how i actually contemplated bringing one home with me, this man came out from his worksite and said the rabbits were his! gee did our hearts sink...but it made me think about getting a rabbit or two of my own...for real.

so i told my animal-lover colleagues about it when i got to work yday and Yvonne said I really should consider getting them from SPCA. she then went on to tell me what having a rabbit involved and i must say....i chickened out. haha the commitment involved scared me...she said i had to feed it, clean its cage, play with it, make space for it, spend time with it, yadayada...she assured me that rabbits were quite easy to care for...which i somewhat agreed...easier than a cat or a dog i suppose...and more fulfilling to have than a fish or a frog...but after thinking about what was involved, i figured i just wasn't ready to make that many changes to accomodate something new in my life.

hahaha so here's where one can draw 2 lessons. one can externalise and tell others that they should learn from my lesson and not get a pet on impulse and later abandon it when the going gets tough and the reality of caring for a pet sets in. but one can also internalise the events that transpired and realise that she's really rather commitment-phobic. i know i can't handle the commitment so i bail before it becomes one i've gotta deal with. to which Yvonne said "but once you love it, you'll make time for it and do it"

but that's exactly it. i know that to be so, so true. once i allow myself to fall, i'm all in. so i usually bail before that even happens.

maybe that's why something a speaker said at a lecture series i attended last week struck me. though taken out of context somewhat, what he said about how relationships always involve some risk, really got me. coz it's true and i know it. i'm just not willing to take it unless i'm convinced it's worth it.

and often...i need to be convinced. that's the bottom line really.

i just need to be convinced. and it's not difficult. i know lav would agree with me. hahaha

2007-10-02T19:44:00.000+08:00

gee it's been a mighty long time since i blogged! heh time to put some life back into this...work's been really crazy...haven't been able to find the time to sneak in here to drop in an exerpt or two about life...

haha but it's been such a wonderful weekend and there are so many pple i wanna thank that i've gotta get down to it and this is a good platform! staying back late at work anyway....might as well take a breather :)

anyway, i think this has been the most long-lasting string of birthday celebrations i've had in awhile...

let's see now...started on Friday at work...had a few celebrations at work with my colleagues and they were really brilliant surprises! Jared impressed me with his excellent taste in choosing a present! haha. Met Chindia for dinner after work at Clark Quay and it brought back such wonderful memories...felt like we were in Agra dining at the rooftop restaurant with fireworks in the background. didn't have fireworks this time but we had the river! haha which we made full use of..took a quaint little boat ride across it to the Esplanade and just sat there and talked the night away : )

chindia at maharajah : )

Oh, then my cg surprised me on Sat by giving me a mooncake as my bday cake and making me a "certificate of appreciation" that had absolutely hilarious things on it. You guys are the absolute best...haha thank you! means a lot :)

Then on Sunday, Ade did the sweetest thing - she baked me 2 huge strawberry tarts and pulled in a whole group of youth and my EE team after ojt...heh poor girl stayed up till 2am making the crust! it was fabulous! Thanks again dear... : )

Headed home for dinner with my family which was really a highlight coz my parents flew home the night before after being away for the longest time, just in time for my birthday :)

And last night was really great as well! Kel, Cor and I went to the Jewel Box at Mt Faber for dinner and it was sooo beautiful a view. Picked Dhoby up after tt for drinks and a little fun with sparklers at Sunset Taravan...we've got really nice pictures from last night...will post them soon..together with snaps from the rest...

and just when i thought that concluded things, my parents say i get another birthday treat on Sat! yay! haha and i finally get to meet Mich on Sunday : )

haha talk about being pampered....

so thanks, you guys! it's been really really special.

2007-09-19T09:18:00.000+08:00

just had to put this down though i've got a ton of work waiting. heh.

you know how the Bible says that God is the Father to the fatherless? well that just took on a new meaning for me :)

been moaning about how since my parents are away, i haven't gotten the usual share of great mooncakes. now i loooove mooncakes but i never buy them coz usually..my mom takes care of that and my aunts and uncles and all usually get them or something...i don't know how but usually there'll be a good stash at home. but since my parents have been gone...there've been no mooncakes :( and it's really quite sad...haha my colleagues think it's hilarious that i've never bought a box of mooncakes before and that i don't know where to go to get them...

anyway, so first thing this morning, a colleague walked into my room with a nice blue box and said "i've brought my favourite mooncakes from Raffles Hotel to share...take one!" and like a little child, my eyes twinkled and i broke into a HUGE grin. that has really made my day...

thank You, Father :) You amaze me at how attentive You are to even these smallest of things!

2007-09-11T11:59:00.000+08:00

a year she says.

we've come this far in a year. the old has gone and the new has come. or has it really?

i can't believe that a financial analyst, whom i've spent the longest time dodging from and avoiding but who finally got me to meet him, of all people, actually got me thinking about what i'll be doing, or wld want to do in 5 or 10 years.

i've always shunned that question.

but i decided that i should stop running away from it. i'm living out the 5th year out of my 8th that's planned out neatly. it's time i finally look ahead.

but it felt like it did as i was running with my bro down Brickland road last nite. it was pitch black ahead...save for the few lights in the distance. it was scary coz i really cldn't see far ahead.

so i asked for direction and an idea of what's up ahead and it was clear but simple - that i was to do what You'd earlier put in my heart to do, to be faithful to the things I'd heard and responded to earlier, incidentally, things i've still been kinda trying to run and hide from. it was like realising that i just had to keep on the black path..it wld lead me to the lights up ahead in the distance.

shared it with Hui Shan and unknowingly (until just), it spoke to her too :)

and now we have one more thing in common. how interesting.

ok this has probably been by far the randomest sounding post to whoever's reading it. the dots are so few and far btw it's hard to connect them i know. but it's just good for me to put them down anyway. coz then i'm so clearly reminded that through these individual events, You've got me.

so much has happened in a year. as lav says...there was india, then chindia, the thesis, europe and so much more in between. how'd all that happen all in 1 year such that we're so far from where we were a year ago?

then other things stay the way they are over the years..only to resurface over and over again, leaving me right where i started a long long time ago.

2007-09-10T14:17:00.000+08:00

i've decided that i really truly am easily satisfied in life.

last week, i had subway 2 days in a row after like a 2 month haitus and then i had karu's a 2nd sun in a row and after all that over the weekend, i decided if i were to die, i'd die a happy person.

then today, a couple of colleagues and i went to Raj, this amazing north indian restaurant at Biopolis, for lunch and it was sooo good. made me miss being in india like never before...there was like these multple flashbacks to what lav and andrew and dhoby and i did in various places in india, the things we saw, the people we met, the things we did....i really really want to go back......

for now, i've got a fantastic cup of masala tea with me while i slog away. haha talk about sinking back to reality...

gotta remind dhoby that we've yet to try any of the dishes from the indian cookbook we bought him for his bday! haha

2007-08-28T10:06:00.000+08:00

contentment.

i think that best describes how i feel about my life right now.

went for a long walk with ade on sun nite. we "orphans" (yeah, sul, toille, my bro and i are home alone. our parents are all overseas. and ade had no dinner at home so we included her in our orphan gathering) went to Karu's for dinner and boy was it one fantabulous dinner. anyway, with free flow of papadum and briyana rice, we obviously all left too stuffed for our own good. but that was one goooood dinner that left me extremely contented. : )

and as we went out for a walk after dinner and started talking abt everything and anything, we got onto the topic of contentment. and we decided that we both are as contented with life as we cld possibly be. work's not killing us, we enjoy it, we only stay up and out late now if we're meeting friends and not coz we're stuck in sch or working on some essay....ministry's been exciting, our kids have been growing and we're really enjoying...life!

and even though it was pouring cows this morning and i had no idea how to get to work, God proved to me yet again that He sees and knows my every need : ) got a lift to work from Hui Shan! haha and she got caught in a jam so i stood in the rain for about 10 mins but i loved every minute of it! seriously! when was the last time you stood in the rain and enjoyed it? had an umbrella of course and i kinda just hid under it and watched the rain pour down. and i realised that's how life is when we stay close to God. ur safe and sheltered from the storm. : )

hmmm ok better get back or started on work. haha oh and did i mention that my new milk frother is the most amazing gadget from ikea?? it is soooo cool.

and on another random note, i have mutant army ants in my office. seriously! i left my mooncake skin piglet in my office wrapped up in its plastic bag and basket and all yday. and this morning, i find a trail of ants leading right up to it and i realised the ants gnawed their way thru the plastic bag and bit off a chunk of my piglet's head!!!!! how scary's that?? and i feel bad coz i've killed so many ants this morning. but it's ok. i rationalised with my colleague that i've sent them on an express route to heaven. haha okok i really ought to get back to work.

2007-08-20T14:36:00.000+08:00

what makes the ordinary, extraordinary, i sometimes wonder?

then other times, when the going gets a littler tougher or bumpier or less exciting, extraordinary momentarily ceases to exist in my vocabularly.

"how's your week been?" or "how're you?" is answered by the normal pause and then the feeble "oh, it's been ok. busy as usual i guess"

but gah. what a weak, diluted response! it's like drinking a teh bing xiu dai gone seriously wrong. (but not as wrong as the salty one i had at 834 tho...heh)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love...JOY.....etc. so where has JOY gone?

then i realized what's gone wrong here. it's not coz there's a lack of joy or a lack of reason to be joyful, but i think simply coz i lose sight of simple truths - like the fact that I've a God who died for me, who loves me unconditionally, who blesses me bountifully, who smiles on amd at me in my silliest and crappiest moments, who desires that i be whole and that i live life to the full, who delights in me, and oh the list goes on. funny how easily we forget the simpliest, yet most foundational of all truths.

as i sat to think about it this weekend, i realized what the greatest difference being a Christian has been for me - that my hope and joy and confidence about the present and the future are really not conditioned by present circumstances.

how ordinary extraordinary is in reality - coz it's right there every single moment : ) how extraordinary is that!

so, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

2007-08-12T21:39:00.000+08:00

i've realized something this weekend. that i couldn't be more thankful for where God's placed me at work and in ministry.

i'm glad i'm not doing direct practice coz i'm not sure i'd be up to it or if i'd have the energy to work with youths everyday. coz they sure have the propensity to suck the life and energy out of you. haha but they have the potential to make you realize what life's all about too : )

i'm even gladder (heh i just made tt up) though, to still be serving in youth min. coz even though that's possibly the only place my heart has been broken and where i find myself at a lost of what to do or i'm just drained at the end of a long weekend, it's probably also the only place right now where i'm happiest and most contented in and excited about, especially when i see God at work.

so "why are you still not giving up?" you ask?

oh trust me. i ask myself the same question at times. but i guess only coz Christ first loved. and He continues to love. and coz i know that if only i can point you to Him and to see things through His eyes, that my job is done and that i wld have made a difference. but i'm learning that that so doesn't come easily. my heart breaks when i see you struggle and when you say the things you do. yet if mine does, what more God's? oh child of God, if only you could see and understand...

yet God knows i need the encouragement to go on...and He faithfully provides it. had the privilege of catching up with various ones over the weekend whom i havent had the chance to in quite awhile coz of work and all...but oh how my heart is overjoyed at what God's doing in each of ur lives, at how you've grown, at how far you've come and at what He's continuing to go. andrew, beryl, qiu yun, aggie....the list goes on. you make my heart sing!

so as i head back to work tmr, to the craziness of the week...i look back on the weekend, all the more aware of how i want to make the prayer of Jabez my own.

2007-08-06T16:21:00.000+08:00

more vulnerable than apparent...

more hopeful than in awhile...

more open than before...

but as distant as ever.

thus seeming resilient and unphased, poised and unshaken, unaffected and strong...

but oh so wrong.

so run into the arms of the One who is Love, and be reminded that His definitions are far different from ours.

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

for...

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Oh teach me to love, God. Teach me to "Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly."

2007-08-03T15:48:00.000+08:00

heh mid-day rambling.

just finished meeting with my bosses...and as expected...i left punctuated with a few more huge gaping wounds from the arrows shot at me. it really seems like for as long as i'm alive at this job, i'll get shot at. and so unambitious, self-preserving me has decided i don't ever wanna get promoted coz i've seen my colleagues who've just gotten promoted lose all semblence of a social life overnight.

so yeah...more work. things that i was initally set on have been packed away for now coz more urgent things need to be done.....i actually quite enjoy doing the things i'm doing i suppose? keeps me sharp mentally and it's really quite a sheltered environment as i sit and write research papers and all. haha actually, i don't know if i'm trying to convince myself or if i really feel that way. but yeah...

anyway, i can't wait for the weekend. i need sunlight. i need a break. i need change.

actually, every small little thing now makes a difference and has the potential to make me happy. like changing tables. or being able to wear jeans to work. haha i'm strange. and not very coherent. boy oh boy. 2 hrs till i can get out of here. and it'll be the first time i'm leaving work on time! yipeeeee.

ok till then...back to work on my children's trends paper.

2007-08-02T12:49:00.000+08:00

how time fliiies.

hardly have time to blog coz there just isn't time at work. and by time i get home...i'm usually too tired. heh. but i've got a couple mins before lunch so trying to keep my blog alive.

anyway, back to about how time flies....just occured to me that today officially marks my being on the job for a month! can't quite decide if it seems longer or shorter than that...but everything just seems to be moving so quickly i can hardly breathe! just as i think one project's out of the way, something else comes up or something that i thot was settled resurfaces and i need to provide more info on it or something to another dept tt's now handling it or something or other...so when i finally went to my boss at 7.30pm yday and asked if she expected me to get a particular piece of work done by our wkly update session today, we realized that there actually wasn't a timeslot penciled in for me to meet her! and that's when i realized that our weekly update sessions were only planned for a month! and that as of today, we're no longer scheduled for them!

so yes...that's how i realized i've been here for a good long month. anyway, the good news that came out of that is that i got an extension for that piece of work till tmr (haha how significant eh? not.) coz i've been swarmed with other more urgent and important things. haha. guess it's also good that i've not had any dinner appointments schedule this week...was so tired last night after getting home from work that i crashed out at 1030. heh

so yeah...think i'm getting a hang of this new lifestyle....i try my best not to work too late or to bring home work (tho i've done both this wk!). haha

but boy am i thankful for colleagues!
oh, my room mate's last day of work was yday tho...was really sad to see her go coz she's made me feel so comfortable at work and in our little room. so i'm all alone in here now. :(

oh..and talking about new routines! went to the gym during lunch break with candice yday! that was fun! heh rushed but fun. think we might do it twice a week from now...

okok lunch time.

2007-07-23T13:52:00.001+08:00

i think we all want to feel. but we're often afriad to.

we all think we're more emotionally guarded and resilient than we really are.

funny how what we think and what we feel are often so incongruent.

like how we think and know that we should guard our hearts yet we feel like we need a heart-to-heart talk" or someone to know what's "on our heart."

tricky tricky are the issues of the heart.

2007-07-16T14:00:00.000+08:00

something Nehi said at the start of worship really struck me yday. he asked who'd had a good week and barely many hands came up..(i wldn't really know since i was right in front...but i didn't raise mine tho). then he said he had had one and that he has good weeks every week. no, not coz he's a hopeless optimist or anything, but coz of his unchanging God whose love is unfailing and whose grace is amazing and whose mercy is new every morning.

and then it struck me that whether i have a good week or not is a choice. it's not to be scripted by the events that happen tho that can influence it. but what determines it is how i see my week and how i see the Creator of the week and the God who watches over me and allows all that happens in the week to happen.

and so i know this week will be a good one. not coz there'll be any less work or arrows flying at me, but coz i'm living it for and day by day with my God who makes all things beautiful in His time and who gives strength to the weary and who is good all the time! : )

2007-07-11T13:50:00.000+08:00

now this is rare! a mid-day post! heh well i'm back early from lunch so i've got some time on my hands to just sit and think and out of that came a thankful heart and so i decided to "capture" that in a post : )

so my last entry was exhaled by a tired, worn out soul. feeling slightly different now for a few reasons i suppose. decided that firstly, i definitely need more sleep every night. gone are the days of late nites...so i aim to be in bed by 11. but of course that doesn't happen coz if i'm out, i only get home ard then...so by 11ish is the goal. and i had a really good run with sul on mon nite after work. it really did feel so so good.

so yeah...sleep earlier, slot in time to exercise, spend more time and be less hurried at QT, spend more time with the family, slot in dinner with friends more sparingly...and yeah...feel much better! haha

i guess being more settled at work and knowing what's going on better and being more comfortable with my colleagues helps tons too.

heh ok so yup..in short, i'm thankful! : )

back to work!

2007-07-07T00:10:00.000+08:00

so i'm officially a working adult! started work on mon, been doing OT, had my last legitimate MacDonald's student meal yday, and graduated today.

and i am oh-so-exhausted.

too tired to use the comp at nite, too tired to blog, too tired to exercise, too tired to read, too tired to do too many other things...the list goes on.

anyway, i've been trying to make sense of how i feel about work...and i think i've somewhat come to terms with it. i finally figured out what my struggle is. it's not the amount of work/projects per se...it's more like i don't know what's expected of me. actually i do. the projects i'm in charge of and my portfolio have been made clear to me...but i don't know how to write the stuff i'm suppose to write. it's not academic anymore...writing for approval is a completely different ball game and one that really requires skill at that! and i struggle with trying to figure it out on my own coz when told what's needed for the project/assessment, it seems so darn straight-forward and too easy. but when i actually get down to writing it...i don't know how! i can't even begin to articulate how frustrating it is. and so since it is my work and everyone else is up to their head in work, i try to figure it out on my own. and i don't know when i should ask for help or when i should figure it out on my own. and so i try to tough it out and i get more and more muddled in my head and then when i finally get help, they ask why i didn't ask earlier and that i should have just felt free to ask...but then i feel like i should be responsible for figuring it out on my own....

argh. maybe it's just me. everyone tells me to take it easy, that it's my first week, that i don't have to get it right all at once, that it takes time....but everything else seems to say the opposite! the expectations, the pace, the workload, the vibes....i don't know...maybe it really is just me. i want to get it right, i want to nail it....but i suppose it'll take time. perhaps it's just my pride that i need to get over. i honestly haven't felt as lost or small or uncertain about things. there are so many different protocols to things, different procedures, different ways of saying and doing things and conveying messages and information and it's all so....complicated and layered.

i wonder why people bother with some much formality sometimes. what purpose does it serve? doesn't it just make things less efficient and leave one with less time?

oh time...if only i had more of that...i've got like 10 trees worth of files to plow thru to get my next few assignments done. and so even though i focus on getting one done at a time so i don't get overwhelmed, before i know it....it's lunch time...then it's like 5pm and i know i'm doomed to work OT...time just flies by me in the office! and so i've stayed later and later since the first day of work. and i know its partially my fault but also partially due to unforeseen circumstances that i've been out till 11pm every night this week to run errands/meet or visit friends...so that doesn't help...i wake up each day more exhausted than the day before...

and my QT this week has been crap. and i know it's affecting me in more ways than one....so yeah, i so need to get back on track. i guess that really is the root of all my self-directed frustration. so tmr's gonna be sleep in day and extended QT time...i really need it. i need to finally be still. i need to get my bearings right. i need to abide.

anyway, i'm so glad i went for JPM today. funny how i honestly was semi-dreading it coz i'm so drained and tired and i hadn't had dinner and i only left the office at 730 and i was expecting the time to crawl by at jpm...but it went by much faster than i thot and i was really refreshed and it was a good reminder that my heart needs to be set right...

so yeah...it's been quite a crazy week...more changes than i'm used to but God's been really good. i've got great colleauges and so that's definitely a huge plus point.

oh! and i graduated today! that's another testimony of His faithfulness and goodnes! : ) haha isn't a big deal to me but it finally dawned on me during the ceremony that it really has been a good 4 years...i'd give anything to go back to those days. haha ironic ain't it? but truly, i've been blessed beyond measure these 4 years...and so i keep telling myself that the same God who saw me thru the craziness of uni will see me thru the craziness of working life. i really am learning a whole new form of dependence...it's never been harder...

2007-06-30T01:25:00.000+08:00

time oh time where have you gone???

i'm starting work in 2 days! where'd the week go? just realized that the last time i posted anything was almost a week ago....it really didn't seem that long ago. well ok so since then, i've been away with my parents for a couple of days and spent the last few days painting and re-doing parts of my room. wow....so that's taken up the entire week.....

anyway, i'm extremely pleased with how good my room looks now! : ) it's almost done but not quite. gotta put the finishing touches to it tmr and pack up the rest of it. love the new paint coat and space and lighting : ) it's as if i'm really gearing up to start a new phase of life with the old being gotten rid of and the new replacing what's now gone...heh. well Gerard gave me an excellent idea of having a room-warming party. haha doubt there's time for one though! but i've kinda promised my cg something similar to a room-warming party coz i told them they can come play Pit here after i'm done with my room. haha no prizes to guess who's grand idea it was to Pit!

anyway, i had a good time tonight. met up with my Social Policy and Planning cum Advanced Research cum Welfare Econs group for dinner...it's been a long time since we last caught up....think our last meal together was at Eusoff hall having Jap food after our final exam. haha and suddenly, it seems as if we've all be teleported off onto entirely different roads, tho we're very much in the same phase. Kenny's just started training at SIA, Cheryl's experiencing "teething issues" adjusting to working life, Gerard's enjoying Wini's company and her querky ways while doing what he's brilliant at - working with the elderly, Mils is starting work the same time i am next week AND getting married in Nov!! haha how exciting everyone's life is!! we're doing such diverse things, yet they're such excellent fits for each of us.

so we're all adjusting to post-schooling life and are the poorest we've probably ever been after having come back from grad trips and not yet having received our first pay cheque. in a span of just over a month, we find outselves in such different circumstances. yet, i think the one thing that we each took away from the evening spent catching up was how crucial the social support we provide for each other is. we're going thru such unique struggles and challenges in our respective roads of life, yet i think we've not felt more understood, or "home" as we talked tonight...

ah, so now i do have something of extreme worth and authenticity to say during my live interview on what was most precious about my NUS life. : ) you guys are such a blessing!

2007-06-24T22:31:00.001+08:00

i love the fact that majority of the Chi girls are home coz it allows us to meet up more regularly as a group! today, it was lunch at Ana's and Anju di di whipped up a fantabulous Indian meal for Ana, Mich, Amu, Maz and i! : ) was the perfect way to spend a lazy sunday afternoon just sitting and slacking and spending the afternoon chattering away with the girls...

anyway, we spent most of the afternoon talking about the double lives we lead. it's really hard to explain so i'm not gonna try. but anyway, it struck me how truly blessed and fortunate i am to have gone to schools that were each so different from each other, for all my various experiences, and for each of the friends i've made along the way who've played small but integral roles in shaping me and my outlook in life.

i think that in particular, time in each school and serving in youth min have definitely contributed to helping me balance the double life i lead.

and now that i'm about to start work, i know that who i am is a result of each experience. yet, i know that people are most probably going to form their impression of me based on very selective experiences i've had. and so there'll definitely be stereotypes and assumptions to fight off and prove wrong.

but i hope that i won't be fighting them off for my own sake. i pray that my core motivation will be to reflect my Maker and not what i'm made of.

2007-06-22T00:04:00.001+08:00

haha boy have i been lazy! there've been so many blog-worthy things that have gone on but i've just let them slip by me...i think coz there's no real need to get on my laptop except to check mail and even then, there's no longer pressing mail that i've gotta check since there's nothing important or pressing going on in my life. at least not for now. and it's quite a nice feeling.

haha but that's somewhat the general theme of my life right now...everything's so fluid and non-important and non-consequential and yeah...i don't quite know how to put it. i love what i'm doing now and how life is...but it all seems so forgetable too. there definitely have been highlights like bunking over at mich's and having her cook me dinner, going for the Jeremy Monteiro concert, celebrating lav's bday with Chindia...or are those just the more recent things? you see???

perhaps it's coz i'm not making the effort to write about them or talk about them coz that's how i remember things.

anyway, so the big question everyone's been asking me is "are you looking forward to starting work?" and the answer has gotta be yes. i know the last post sure didn't sound like it...but that was a minor moment of panic. haha i actually do crave new things and fresh starts. it excites me! yes, this extends beyond the clothes, in case you were wondering. i think it'll give my life more definition and structure than it has now and i quite want that. of course i'm gonna miss all this time i have to slack and do whatever i want...it's always like that, isn't it? you don't quite realize how much something is worth till it's taken away.

guess that's something i've been learning. sometimes, only when things of the past are gotten rid of or taken away from you do you really get on with life. however, it does leave you feeling kinda sad. but i suppose that on the brighter side of things, there's always something to learn from it. i really don't believe in living with regret. it's a waste of time and energy. maybe that's why i disconnect so easily. but i'm not sure that's necessarily a good thing either.

for instance, i did better than expected in my final sem but i still missed a first class...but it doesn't matter the least bit to me. i don't know why. perhaps coz grades have lost their significance to me. but that shouldn't errode how thankful i am and how much i am in awe of how lavish God has been with his blessings these 4 years. (i love how writing this reminds me of what i need to be reminded of. it's as if i'm talking to myself coz i really haven't been a fraction as grateful as i should be.)

so lavish indeed. was reminded by my mom...reminded seems to tame a word actually...more like scolded. ok so i was scolded by my mom for spending too freely on things i don't need. think that i've always thought that since i've earned my own pocket money since i graduated from jc, i was free to spend it anyway i wished. and there always seemed to be enough...whether it was from teaching or giving tuition or scholarship allowance. and so i never had to account how or what i was spending on. but i think that as i look back, i've really not been a good steward of all i've been blessed with. my parents have consistently modeled what living a simple life is and i think i've just not learnt. but i really have to work on that now that i'm starting work.

ironic though, how from now till i actually start work, i'm gonna be doing nothing but spending more money! work clothes, new stuff for my room......

anyway, was talking to ems, my bro, and farand over supper the other night and came to the painful realization that i'll prob only get 40% or less of my salary to spend...coz the rest of it goes to cpf, insurance, savings, tithes, missions, parents, tpt, usana pills.......................

so i am an adult. i need an excel sheet to get my finances in order. or rather, a financial planner, according to my supper buddies' advice. i need more discipline.

i need to learn to live more simply and have a less cluttered life. boy is that gonna be hard.

but talking to eric just now about how i wanna be a stayhome mom, if i ever become a mother, made me realize that i can't just want a husband who's willing to live simply so that it's possible for me to stay home. i've gotta do that too! and it doesn't happen overnight. oh mygollyme. what habits to break and make. and i've gotta stop thinking "i'll deal with that in time to come when i have to...i'll just start work for now" coz that ain't gonna work.

so yeah...perhaps it's time to finally learn what "to whom much has been given, much is expected" means in practical, grounded terms.

boy has this been one long rambly post that took a long time to process and write. another reason why i've not been blogging. coz i've had to be up early every morning. haha

2007-06-13T23:07:00.001+08:00

what if i can't?
what if i lose myself?
what if i don't perform?
what if i get too caught up with the need to perform?
what if i get sucked in?
what if i forget what's truly important?
what if i end up selling my soul to the job, only to realize that i've got only myself to blame for it at the end of the day?
what if i become like what everyone says people w/o direct practice experience are like?
what if i get caught up in trying to prove them wrong?

and...

will i be able to not be a perfectionist?
will i be able to strike and maintain that delicate balance between putting in my best and knowing when enough is enough?
will i be able to reflect who He is to people around me?
will i be able to lose my need to impress?
will i be able to remain faithful till the end?
will i be able to serve and spend as much time with my cg and in youth min?

oh trust me, the list of what ifs and will Is could go on and on and on...

everyone has warned me about the potential pitfalls and vices of the working world. so i know them...but what if i fall right into them? what if there are others i haven't heard about those and i fall into those? i'm sure i haven't heard them all...

i've heard so many sermons and read so many things of late that i so badly want to hold on to. but what if i fail and i can't and don't?

then i'm reminded of grace. grace that saved me, grace that will cover every fault. grace that will bring me back to the arms of One who loves me. grace that is more than sufficient. grace that abounds. and grace that will see me through.

funny how the greatest and most important lesson i learnt from 4 years of being in uni was dependence. looks like i'm about to re-learn it all over again from scratch. new lifestyle, new environment, new people, new expecations, new challenges, new perspectives, new everything...(i think the only thing i like about this list of new things is new clothes!!!! :))

thankfully i have an unchanging God.

2007-06-12T23:28:00.000+08:00

so i've been lazy...and the longer i put off posting, the harder it is to coz too much has gone on and i don't know how to compress them or summarize them...and eventually i just don't. haha oh well but here's a feeble attempt.

a summary of significant events:

retreat was great! the messages were exactly what i needed to hear, worship was so refreashing after not having been to church in over a month while being away, and catching up with everyone was fantastic. more than that, it was nice getting to know new people too. got a chance to talk to Darcy more, to hear more about Lily's ministry in Central ASia, to goof around with Hanah and Val, to get to know some of the young adults...and of course to hang out with some of my favourite pple. : )

hmmm what else. oh, i'm in the midst of deciding which job to take. thought for awhile that i was definitely going to take my first offer...then something else came along and i'm much swayed. will have to make my decision by tmr and boy it's kinda hard. ok not really coz i've had so much help and insight from the people i've spoken to and well...i'm more inclined towards one than the other...it's just strange how it's all turning out i suppose. it feels like i'm defying everything i've been told the last 4 years in school and doing what we were told not to - go into macro level work without direct prac experience. but then again, i've been encouraged to by people who know me, who have a wealth of experience, and who i really respect. i think what's weirdest about this entire episode is how i feel like i'm being stalked for my answer. as flattering as it is, i'm fighting from letting it get to me..coz most importantly, is this where God wants me? i'm excited and afraid of what's coming my way all at once...

ah, the other interesting thing that's happened is that what i thought is/was a rather inconsequential relization from being away has turned out to be more significant and meaningful than i thought it'd be. i guess it's how i'll internalize it that matters now. anyway vera dear, thanks for telling me that it mattered to u. : )

oh, and i've been spending a lot of time with my parents to make up for all the time i was away and in anticipation of having less time with them once work starts...it's been great and i oh i really don't wanna start work....i'm missing the student life already! haha so i digress.

ohoh! i'm gonna attempt to semi re-do my room. getting rid of my piano which has been untouched for a long while now to make space for more wardrobe space..gonna repaint my room too and so i figured that while i was at it, i might as well do a little more (if i get the inspiration to) to tweak my room a little. kinda like a synchronized transition from student to working life i guess.

yup so that's about it i guess...other than that, it's back to meeting up with as many pple as i can in the little time i have left while saving time and space to be alone. haha what a delicate balance...ok for now, it's bed time...looong day ahead tmr..but i look forward to it. i sure hope i can say that when i start work!! haha

2007-06-04T17:12:00.000+08:00

so i'm finally home...it really hasn't felt like a month, especially towards the end of my trip...but here i am. sitting in my room at my study table typing away at my laptop, finally with time and space to think and write...the wonderful familiarity of it all...yet a strange restlessness i feel as well..i wish i had more time with the girls in London and to see London...but perhaps it's the brevity of it all that makes the memory of it all that much sweeter and the time spent together all that more precious. : ) can't wait to get my hands on the Chi pictures...Lav's right, i think i was happiest those last 3 days of my trip out of the 30 we spent in Europe. it wasn't the Big Ben or Tower Bridge or Buckingham PAlace...it was simply spending time with my girls over the breakfast table or dinner...

my parents are away at church retreat and the brother was suppose to be out all day too but he stayed home with me today in the end which i'm mighty glad for! think i'd be really bummed out if i came home to an empty house! missed my family a whole ton so having kor home to talk to all afternoon has been nice : )

anyway, so the past few posts have just been quick 5 min updates on where i am and what i'm doing/going to do. didn't quite get the luxury of time to post more than that till now...but even now, i actually haven't quite consolidated my take-aways from my trip. haha i will in time...for now, guess i'm not entirely sure how various things i've seen and observed and experienced change things now or reshape the way i look and feel about stuff...

what i'm certain about though, is that i definitaly am glad to have gotten away from everything for a month..it's amazing what space and distance does to put things in perspective. maybe i have more questions than i have answers now about life in general though...like how things are gonna be like when i start work in under a month, where i will eventually end up working at (yeah, going for an interview with them tmr and i have no idea how that'll go but it shd be interesting since ncss is "recalling" me for the 2nd time tho they know i already have a job offer), what expectations to have, how i'll cope and adapt, how i should draw or redraw boundaries, how i should or want to live life, whether what seems so elusive will actualize, whether i'm willing to go back to my comfort zone or keep pushing out of it till there isn't one i stagnate in or when i no longer allow myself to stay in....haha as heavy going as all that sounds, some of it is really trivial..trust me.

oh, so i looked through my pictures and got bored of them pretty quick coz most of them are just of buildings and scenary and inanimate things. haha so it's not surprising that my favourite pics are the back-to-back ones with lav or the craziest people we've met along the way and the girls. here's a quick sampling..

lav and i in Venice in front of the gondolas..

these are some of the coolest dudes we hung out with...our venice buddies!

and then of course this is Chi! Wei, Sheena, Ana, Mich, IVan, Lish and Anand infront of Tower Bridge after dinner at Strada.. : )

2007-05-31T20:46:00.000+08:00

it's the final leg of my trip...can't believe i'm gonna be flying home in a couple days! just got to Sheena's place not too long ago...flew in from Greece...or rather we flew from Athens to Glasgow and Glasgow to Heathrow...but i'm entirely psyched to be with the Chi girls tho it's been a long night of travelling! gonna watch Swan Lake later with them but we're heading out to Buckingham palace and Harrods and Oxford street first...

then tmr's officially our Chi meet up so we're all gonna meet up for dinner...Sheena took leave these two days and Ana's planned her flight such that she gets to hang out with Mich and i before she leaves London..heh so it def shd be fun! been looking forward to meeting the girls the entire trip :)

Greece was absolutely fantastic...did some island hopping too and covered Santorini and Ios...absolutely fell in love with Greece...everyone's so friendly, the beach is great, the food is fantastic...i think its officially my favourite stop now...but of course things could change in the next few days...heh we'll see...

looking forward to see everyone back home soon! :)

alright...enough rambling...gonna head out soon. be home in a few days time!

2007-05-26T01:28:00.000+08:00

hello from ROME!

it's my 3rd day here...this place grows on u man. it's great. went for 2 guided walking tours to see every major thing in this city..haha cost quite a bit but it sure was worth the money! unfortunately, we didnt get to see the pope coz he only makes his appearance on wednesdays...oh well. got to see a whole bunch of other cool stuff tho...oh, and we got this special discount to get 5 scoops of gelato for 3.50 euro. haha was crazy good lah but wayy too much. heh cldn't finish all of it so i gave jimmy some of mine...decided ive reached my gelato limit but daniel insists that i haven't. haha he says no one can reach a gelato limit. i once thought so but im not so sure now. anyhow, we may have more tonight...haha last nite in italy anyway!

so yeah, travelling with jimmy and daniel on this leg of the trip and that has been great! tons of fun and very refreshing having other travel buddies join lav and i on our month long grad trip :) i think the highlight of these 3 weeks has really been meeting and talking to people from all over...be it friends from back home who join us along the way, random other people on the street or in the queue with you or fellow tourists or shop keepers or anyone basically! guess i've really been learning from the people around me the importance of enjoying and basking in and soaking up the present. too often back home, i'm caught up with so many things that i don't quite stop to enjoy and embrace what i have now. it's hard to explain really...but simply enjoying walking around, looking up at the sky, the train rides, talking to people you probably will never meet again, seeing things you've only read about or seen on tv, and all that...it's amazing. traveling is amazing...takes you away from the familiar and broadens how you view life and people and cultures and the way people relate to one another. and i think for me, God always seems so much closer and "realer" when im travelling...and there's just something about rome...

anyway, another item for thanksgiving..my final university exam results were released today and i have nothing but a whole lot to be thankful for. seriously...my entire university life has been based on an endless supply of extravagant grace! can't quite believe im completely done with school...can't quite believe how it's all turned out...and yeah...can't believe i'm gonna start work soon! heh but for now, im gonna live up the present...

next stop, GREECE!

2007-05-22T17:44:00.000+08:00

heh trying to maximize the free internet usage at my hostel while i can. it's rare u get to you know. and it's like noon so there ain't a long queue to use it.

anyway, so we've been taking it pretty slow the last few days...yday was mostly just traveling and then some shopping...wasn't great tho the shopping. lots of asians here...from the philippines and china and all...kinda fun just talkign to them. they ain't friendly till u start talkign to them...guess it's an asian thing i suppose. the americans we meet just talk to us anytime and anywhere. haha so u can really tell the difference. think i'm gonna have to consciously remind myself when i get home that i can't randomly talk to people or they'll look at me weird. or i may just do it anyway coz it's fun!

anyway, so coz it was monday yday, most of the museums in Florence were closed. but that wasn't a biggie since we've already been to so many...think i've reached my limit of church and museum visiting. guess we'll go full swing back into that in rome. heh so instead, lav and i have just been shopping some and enjoying cheap but excellent coffee and ice cream. no, not together obviously...that might potentially produce some not so great results..but as we walk the streets.

we're gonna go see the leaning tower of Pisa later...hear it will occupy us a grand total of like 3 hrs so we decided to head out later today...kinda nice starting the day late. helps that it only gets dark at like 9 or 930 here so that allows us to do more as well. (i actually can't rem if i've alr said some of these things in my earlier posts coz i usually type them in such a hurry i can't quite rem what's been said) heh so forgive me if i'm repeating myself.

anyway, so the weather's warmed up...finally i can wear my skirts and dresses and slippers instead of having to be in jeans, a jacket, shoes and layering to keep myself warm. i think i'm definitely a tropical person man.

looking forward to Greece for sure...lovely beaches....great sun...and then it's off to london to meet my girls. sheer bliss.

oh!! ok again i can't rem if i've already said this in one of my previous posts, but i've gotten a job at Fei Yue! i'm extremely thankful coz i was really hoping i'd get to work with them. and i get to do youth work with them which is GREAT. not sure what my pay and exact job scope will be yet coz they havent worked out the details but i guess i'll find out in due time.

ok, i should go...happpy birthday nat!! happy birthday in advance cindy!!

2007-05-22T05:10:00.000+08:00

hello this time from Florence, Italy! just came in today from Venice. it's been great so far and Venice has been my favourite stop so far...been eating tons of chocolate since Belgium and even more Gelato since i got to Venice...it's sooo good and real cheap too. think i've been having like 2 scoops a day. hahaha this is bad i know...hope all the walking i'm doing works off all i'm eating. heh i think i could live in europe simply coz of the food...absolutely love the bread and all too.

i've been having a blast so far. ended up unknowingly in a mixed dorm in my hostel in Venice and i kinda freaked out. got in real late that night coz our flight only arrived at like 9pm...and we got lost trying to look for it and ended up on a street corner with several hookers. was quite an experience. anyway, woke up the next morning expecting the worst but found 3 really cool dudes in the dorm with lav and i. one american dude who's fully ethopian and Christian, one french dude who's really nice and sooo funny when he speaks, and one indian guy who's working for Shell in Holland. so we all ended up going out to spend the day together in Venice and it was a fantastic! such randomness is the best i tell u.

anyway, so we're heading out to see the leaning tower of Pisa tmr...Lav and i have decided that after tmr, since we've seen like almost half of the world's 7 wonders together, we could just marry each other. how more romantic does it get rite? the Eiffel tower, the Taj Mahal, the Leaning tower of Pisa...haha

so i ramble...anyway, so we're half we thru our trip and completely broke by now..haha but we're surviving so far...hear we get money from the govt's workfare payout so horray!! haha

ok....hope everyone back home's going good. thanks for tagging u guys! see u all soon!

2007-05-15T05:57:00.000+08:00

hellooo from belgium!!

thought i would just drop a quick post to let people know i am still alive. haha thanks for all those prayers guys...i am almost fully well, just coughing a little still.

weather here is much warmer than it was in Ireland and Scotland..been raining quite a bit tho...but the weqther is kinda nuts...it is sunny then suddenly it rains. heh then sunny again. and cos its the start of summer, it stays bright all the way till like 10pm so that is fantastic.. :) but all the shops clsoe by 6pm so that kinda sucks! heh but at least the faaantastic Belgian chocolates make up for it man...heh

leaving for Paris tmr so that should be great! it has been real nice cos we got to know a friend of a friend and so she has been bringing us around Leuven and Brussels and we did Antwerp today, which apparently is the next up and coming Milan or something...haha but it really didnt look like it...heh but it was great for shopping tho! i actually bought shoes there cos they were on sale! haha but now i can say i shopped in Antwerpen! heh

anyway, as much as i love being here, i miss everyone and everything back home! heh cant wait to be home...but first Paris and Italy and Greece and London..heh

2007-05-07T02:18:00.000+08:00

so i did fly!! :) i'm now in Belfast!!

thank you guys for praying...i know there were countless people...lav's frens, mine, my parents' frens...all praying that i'd be able to fly off. so when i woke up fever-less...i knew it was an answer to all those prayers...God indeed is good! :) so i got busy packing and all....and then i was off to the airport and onto the plane...

so here we are now...tired from our 2 flights and drowsy from our cough medicine..just got back from going to see the Giant's Causeway...was reallllly beautiful and majestic and it's one of those places where you see the waves beating in and the remarkable stone structures that make praise just roll from your lips....it's awesome! :)

that's about all we managed to do today coz it was a long drive out...oh we had a wonderful picnic that aunty Joannie whipped up too! and after a toilet stop, i saw one of the most amazing rainbows stretch across the sky as well. :) heh and of course the countryside and all are beautiful...kinda feels like we were driving through the Smallvile set...haha

yup so it's gonna be an early night tonight i think...haha it's day 1 and i'm missing home and people back home already....

2007-05-04T20:54:00.000+08:00

thank you, my countless, wonderful friends who've been asking how i'm doing.

honestly speaking though, it's been so so hard replying to your messages...i'd love to be able to say "oh, i'm much better! thanks for asking!!" ... but i can't....or maybe at that point of time i might be able to coz i had just puked or i had just sweated out my fever (yeah, after both those events u feel the best...i kid you not) but i'm so scared to even say that now....coz after i've said i'm ok, a few hours later, i'm shivering and chattering and horribly sick again...and the sick cycle carries on yet again for an agonizing few hours...

and so i go from a few good moments when i can sit at my laptop and book the rest of my hostels and flights...and then i spend the next many moments curling up in bed...i don't even know what to tell Lav anymore!

Babe, i'm so so sorry for all this....i know it sucks even more that you can't even blame me. haha i usually read those disclaimers that say "we will not be accountable for Acts of God" and laugh...but suddenly it doesn't seem quite so funny anymore when i read it in the conditions of our booking for our Athens Backpackers' accom....i don't know what else to say...i'm just so sorry. (crap it sooo sounds like we're in a r/ship. hahaha)

so apparently now the doc says that no matter what, if i'm still running a temperature tmr morning, i'll have to do a 2nd dengue test coz 7 days is a sure indicator of it....

but the amazing thing about this entire experience is knowing that God's sovereignly in control of this. gone were the days when i'd die of frustration not knowing what's going to happen. on the contrary, i actually know exactly what's going to happen...we're booked for everything....the only thing i don't know about is whether i'll actually get to fly off tmr....and yet there's a strange sense of peace and calm....coz i know that He'll work it out. If He wants me to go, i'll be well enough to go. if i'm not, i'll know too....

don't get me wrong...it's not being fatalistic about things...it's simply knowing where you trust and faith are securely placed...i can be secure and content in the outcome of things beyond my control because i know Who's in control - One who only allows the best....

so maybe i'll miraculously get well tmr...the 39degC fever i'm running will cool off, my cough will go....or maybe not....either way...i'm held. :) i may not understand.....but You're bigger than that. i don't need to understand everything.

so will i fly tmr? i sure hope so...

if i don't....i will soon i hope...at a hefty hefty cost. sigh. haha oh well.

2007-05-03T15:18:00.000+08:00

ok so you've been asking where i'll be off to in May? trace the pink line : )
(lav, stole this off your blog..haha hope u don't mind!)

2007-05-03T12:48:00.000+08:00

boy have the past few days been the worst i've lived through in a long time.

the fever i'd been having since saturday afternoon absolutely refused to go away even after seeing the doc on monday and being on antiobiotics....so i made my way to the doc again yday. must have been quite a hilarious sight since i was wrapped up in my momma's shawl and shivering and chattering really badly all the way down to the doc's office. so the doc thought it might be dengue and did a blood test. now usually i flip out at the suggestion of having a blood test done coz my veins normally collapse and then i do..haha but in yday's state, i figured nothing could be worse than the way i felt. so i had it done quickly and painlessly without a struggle. haha so i think i'm finally might be able to say i've conquered my fear of bloodtests. i just gotta do them lying down and from the back of my palm.

anyhow, at the doc's place yday, when she said i could possibly be down with dengue, it suddenly dawned on me that i may not be able to fly off on Saturday. everything i'd planned for and looked forward to the past 6 months could potentially not happen. and that got me really really upset obviously...

then what i read for QT that morning from Psalm 27 came to mind....to wait for the Lord, to be strong and take heart...tabby happened to share her qt thot of the day that morning with me too which was this: "let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith" Hebrews 12:2a. so from the time i was having my blood taken till i got my results that night...i had to fix my thoughts on Him...

and again, it struck me. i could plan and do all these things...but ultimately, God's in control. Which is exactly what Provers 16:9 says..."In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." never had that verse seemed more true...

anyhow, after an agonizingly long wait (coz the clinic didn't send my blood sample to the lab in time) the good news is that i've tested negative for dengue and my temperature's finally gone down. i'm hoping and praying i'm completely well by Sat so i can fly off...but whether or not that really happens remains to be seen....so i'm cautiously optimistic i must say.... : )

if all goes well, with more sleep (i think i've already slept enough the past week to make up my entire university life's worth of sleep debt), i should be able to flyyyyy :)

thanks for praying and asking how i've been. really appreciate it.

oh, and i've got just 1 interview tmr before i leave. Again, i can't help but think how God knows so clearly what i can and cannot cope with before i leave. He is good indeed! oh, and it's an interview with Fei Yue!! haha goodness...what am i gonna do about my chinese? heh well if there's an oral component, i'll just cough my way through all the words i don't know how to read...and it'd be legitimate since i really do have quite a nasty cough! haha

2007-04-30T21:07:00.000+08:00

man i've not been this sick in awhile...prob not since last year when i missed 2 midterms and all. and it's turning out to be as bad as it was last year where my fever refused to go down and everything i ate came out within a few hours in almost original form.

and so even though i've seen the doctor and she's given me antibiotics, it seems that i might be reacting to them as well....bleaaahhh at least puking makes me feel better for awhile..till i begin burning up again since the antibiotic and panadol didn't stay in me and get to work...

and it's horribly bummifying coz i've cancelled so many appointments these last 3 days already! and i only have 4 days left before i fly!! and i'm probably gonna have to cancel even more later on in the week since i haven't had the energy to pack or settle a ton of admin stuff and church related things before i go...baaah.

ok so in sum, please pray?? thanks...

2007-04-28T21:46:00.000+08:00

it's been quite a weekend i must say....haha actually, from now till say july, everyday's gonna seem like a weekend since there's no more work and deadlines! hahaha

it's kinda nice just...doing random things and being freeee.

but it scares me that in a week, i'll be gone for an entire month. realized for certain today that my heart's very much still in youth ministry and i really don't see myself moving anytime soon. told myself i should by the end of the year...but perhaps it's not time yet.

had lunch with lucille today...was impromptu but really really good. haven't caught up with her in the longest time but she was sweet to put her work on hold to spend an hour catching up. was wonderful hearing how well she's doing in school and i've really seen this girl grow :) she's got such a tender heart and an earnest desire to be used by God. and as i heard her talk, i realized that the questions she's asking herself now are things i used to ask myself too! how time flies and it's almost funny looking back now reminiscing while she talks in the present. :)

CG today was really good today too. couldn't thank God more for how the BS session went. when i realized i only had Cindy and the rest were my boys, i was kinda nervous about how the session would go since i wasn't sure they'd open up or it'd be as relevant to them. but i was proven wrong and i'm glad i was! got to share really honestly with them about things and hear from them too. heh it's pretty amazing when you probe enough to hear the boys speak and open up. even more amazing is when God speaks directly to them and i don't have to do it :) makes my heart sing and rejoice when i hear and see how God works in them!

it's been so great being able to spend more time with them the last few months individually or as a cg and i'm really gonna miss them the month i'll be away. haha i know being away will be good and all and toille and nat will do just fine and it'll be a good opportunity for the cg to take care of themselves and each other...i'm just gonna miss them! well at least there's dinner, ice cream, and jpm on fri to look forward to.

so yup...i don't think i'm ready to leave youth min anytime soon. haha graduating from uni has done nothing to make me feel like it's time to move on!

toss it!

2007-04-27T22:46:00.000+08:00

wow so it has been awhile...almost a week in fact. and i can finally say i've finally graudated!! the reality of it hasn't quite set in..but i've sat for my final university exam ever and i'm DONE with school for a loooong time to come! perhaps forever! no more papers, no more exams, no more all-nighters/wee-morning studying/writing of papers...all that's over....

heh and in a week, i'll be gone for the entire month of may....

time's seriously flying by me way too fast. haha

ok so maybe late nights aren't completely a thing of the past...gotta prepare BS for tmr now...haha

2007-04-21T23:08:00.000+08:00

there are times when i readily respond and others when i sit and refuse to budge because i'm way too afraid to and i can't quite believe what's happening. there were a zillion things running through my head as i sat there mostly patrified and struggling to logically make sense of it all.

it's almost as if my mind was being read and every single feeble attempt to deflect what was coming at me was thwarted. it's times like these you know that you're seriously fighting a losing battle against logic and obstinance. but you try not to give in. so you stay seated. but other things give.

unfortunately (or fortunately perhaps..i'm just not there yet), these are the kinda things that sleeping over won't do anything for coz i'm almost afraid and largely certain that i'll wake up tmr feeling even clearer about things.

oh the struggle to remain tender and open and obedient. oh for grace to trust You more.

2007-04-20T00:00:00.000+08:00

today was meet-people-for-insightful-conversations-at-Vivo day. met mich for lunch then bumped into lav at pacific coffee where i was gonna settle to do work...found her in the exact spot i was planning to occupy which was pretty hilarious. haha and instead of studying...we ended up talking. not that that's most suprising. haha

enjoyed lunch with mich too. seemed too short and before we knew it, it was 4pm and she had to get her BSF homework done. haha but as always, there's always somethign to take away from our conversations.

then met adrian for dinner and we had a good time too. he wanted to watch a movie and shop after dinner but i'm glad we didn't. was good just talking and trying to convince him of my theory tho it fell flat at some points. haha

and so after all that talking and listening and sharing of ideas and thoughts, i'm exhausted. but i'm really glad for the kinds of conversations i had today. varied, insightful, honest, funny, real, and encouraging.

oh, and there's been an interesting twist to my job application process. i've been told not to do it on my own anymore coz NCSS is gonna set up all my interviews for me and they've shortlisted me for a few already...haha i'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but i know He's got it all planned out so i know i'll be fine. guess it'll boil down to the attitude i go in with. oh, and they agreed to our request to start work in July! woohoo!!

when i know You're shining down on me

2007-04-17T23:54:00.000+08:00

today's just one of those days that you end off with a smile of bliss and contentment. guess it spilled over from yday too... :)

so yday lav and i went down to MISA and we're now booked and paid to go to Europe! feeling much poorer already and i know it's just the start. haha but i'm psyched! can't believe i'm leaving for a month in 2.5 weeks...i can't wait to get away...

oh and then i cooked dinner for jamie! heh i'm rather proud of myself...we forgot to take pictures tho...but anyway, we had pasta and salad and err..durian for dessert which the brother bought. haha watched Salaam Namaste too which we really liked! much better than Friends with Money which we watched last week..heh i think we can make routine out of this...Monday is rent-a-DVD day 4 us...

anyway, finally collapsed into bed and woke up to what turned out to be another great day. had a short but good time of QT this morning before heading out to meet Tai for lunch at Mayim...man was the dim sum sooo good! :) then we headed to town to meet the rest of the cg for ice cream coz it's TUESDAY! haha anyway, had a really good time and it was hilarious watching our 2 AC boys defend themselves as the 2 SC girls and I grilled them. was even funnier when i told tai i thought he was the best looking boy i've seen from NUS High. i honestly meant it as a complement! but it set off nat and eleanor's crazy laughter which cracked the rest of us up as it always does. heh

and then i went shopping on my own for a little bit after that...haven't done that in awhile (the shopping alone bit, not shopping in general) so i enjoyed the time alone. makes it far more productive too which was why i ended up getting...too many things. haha but practically every shop in far east is having a sale so you should go!!!

so the shops began to close and my feet began to hurt so i knew it was time to come home...and i came home to a really pleasent surprise! got my grades for my LKY class..yeah, not too long ago i posted about how i was screwed for my final individual paper coz i was totally exhausted by time i submitted my thesis and i had no idea what i was writing and if i sounded half intelligent at all trying to cough up my paper in 2 days. and i was convinced that i'd get a C on the mid-term...and i was also convinced too that for the huge deal she was making about class participation, i was done for since i barely spoke in class....but i'm just completely wow-ed by how wrong i was on all 3 counts and how awesome and gracious God is coz there was no way i deserved any of the grades i got on any of those 3 assignments. so yeah, i'm really thankful coz i know i really didn't deserve those grades. :)

alright....it's time for bed...i'm actually gonna attempt to study tmr. *Groan* i haven't done any work since the 5th when i submitted my last paper. such inertia i tell u. i doubt i'll accomplishi much tmr...but at least i'll soothe my conscious knowing that i tried? haha at least there's coffeebean breakfast to look forward to with Corinne, my new studying partner. heh and angela's dinner at night with CG! haha ok i can tolerate the studying. enough perks. :)

2007-04-16T00:57:00.000+08:00

check out my new blogskin!! i love it!! thanks beryl!! haha sure seems we're all still stuck in time eh? i know at least 4 other people who've got telunas photos as their handphone wallpaper too. haha guess it just goes to show that we're all drawn to sheer beauty, perfection, and paradise really...it's as close to it as most of us got i think and we're not quite ready to leave it behind.

so we try to remain living in it, even if it's just stopping for 5 seconds to let a snapshot of it flash through our mind and sigh and smile to ourselves...WUTS, or the sunrise/set, or those random conversations out on the jetty, or the beach, or the crystal clear water, or jumping off the jetty....guess that's kinda how life is - once we chance upon something that seems so perfect, it's hard to let go of it. so we hold on...and hope to go back someday.

but then maybe...it was good only coz it was fleeting. coz it was a getaway from what we're so used to. or coz we only remember selective bits of it and we romanticize the entire experience. perhaps it doens't matter though...it was just good while it lasted and it sure left it's mark. i think i'm one step closer to seeing where toille's coming from when he talked about his passion in life to help others see life and beauty and all that there is to appreciate about it. oh that these experiences would serve to whet our appetite for Paradise and everything else that He allows and wills.

anyhow, it's been a pretty intense weekend so i'm glad it's over. again the timing's been perfect. couldn't be much better than this, so for that i'm thankful. guess i've come out of it clearer about things than i have been in awhile...came to some important realizations too and i guess i'm just gonna have to deal with them with or without a brave front. perhaps the greatest irony of it all though, is that by keeping quiet all this while thinking i was protecting myself, i was setting myself up for the opposite. perhaps that's the one thing to take away.

post-deadlines

2007-04-13T01:56:00.000+08:00

so this was a couple of saturdays ago...when we were working in church till about 11.30pm on our Welfare Econs Crime Paper on a Sat nite...and boy were we zonked by then. i actually look reasonably awake...but if you look closely, you'll see several pimples and my horrible eyebags which testify to my lack of sleep that entire period (ok maybe don't look tooo closely. quite an unglam shot. haha) anyway, that's all done now and it feels like the distant past. heh but what i'm most thankful for is the friendships that have been forged and strengthened this sem such as with Hui to the left and Cheryl on the right. : )

now one week on since all my deadlines, i can proudly say i've finally had a good break and revitalized my ailing social life. it's been great meeting up with people and catching up...been to the gym with jamie and watched "Friends with Money", watched "The Namesake" with lav and talked about our trip, had time to retreat, been to Ikea with Sul, been to Vivo and Villa Bali, been read to which was kinda nice and made me feel small again, and tmr's baking with Li Yee and dinner with mich! all good fun i say! :)

and as of today, i apparently am going to Vietnam in JUne! woopiee! haha

i think i really need to start a travel fund. any contributers?? heh

transitions

2007-04-09T23:55:00.000+08:00

ok so i haven't really sat down to work on my laptop since thursday coz we've had too many long sessions in the past several weeks...

so apart from coming online to check mail and stuff, i've steered clear of anything that required me to think. haha which includes blogging. as in a proper post lah..

guess there's just been a lot on my mind since work ended...like i said before, i think my brain's only able to cope with major issues one at a time coz it automatically shuts out all other major but non-urgent issues till the urgent major issues are out of the way...(don't get me wrong, i can multi-task as i always claim to be able to do, but only things that are of lesser importance..haha)

so i've had a few really good conversations of late that have made me stop and evaluate the way things are, how they got to their current state, and whether i want them to remain that way or not. and this applies to so many different things in my life right now...

guess realizing that the grass will always seem greener on the other side, that there are painful but necessary decisions to make and stick by, that you can't have it all, that there'll definitely be an element of risk and a huge one at that, that there'll certainly be uncertainty, that idealism and reality are gonna clash with each other and not knowing if i'll be able to reconcile them, that unless the conscious does not make up its mind, the subconscious will likely take over, and that...i'm basically growing up - is all rather scary and discomforting for me.

kinda feels almost like i'm fresh out of JC and i'm clueless about my next move...i knew there was uni, just like i know there's work, but i didn't know what i was gonna do, just like i have no idea what i'm gonna do now. believe these things are called transitions. haha

so it was a really strange yet nice feeling going through my very last class of uni this morning...Dr Ng bought breakfast, coffee and tea and we sat around to chat and all and had a guest speaker and he spoke about the school to work transition and....i just feel so far from ready from it. but i also know that i've never been more ready for it than now coz i believe what God's wanted me to learn from school, i've learnt. it's taken me a loooong time to learn it coz of my own stubborness and all, but i've finally learnt i think...which means it's time to move on to something else. so if i were to sum it up, i'd say that i've learnt how to be dependent and that apart from Him, i really can do nothing and am nothing. seemingly simple lessons but for i've taken really long to internalize them.

but that's just one aspect of life...Mils always says that we can be smart or "wise" in some areas but totally inapt or "foolish" in others. haha and she maintains that i'm a fool in other areas. haha which i agree with, and which is why i'm glad she's there to help me grow in those areas, as with other amazing people i have alongside me.

and so as i think about where i'm gonna go or what i'm gonna do in under 3 months, i come up short coz i'm entirely clueless. and i'm left to fall back on the very thing i've learnt - utter and total dependence.

and when i realize that once again i'm met with a blank sheet, i remember that it's time to seriously seek God and allow Him to pen down His plans and direction for my life.....

happy slob

2007-04-06T01:09:00.000+08:00

iamdone
iamdoneiamdone
iamdoneiamdoneiamdone
iamdoneiamdoneiamdoneiamdone
iamdoneiamdoneiamdoneiamdoneiamdone

never thought i'd be able to say this....but it's all done. thesis, term papers, presentations, projects and everything to do with NUS. just one exam in the distant future.

you have no idea how good this feels. : )

save me please

2007-04-05T14:16:00.000+08:00

wookay. so this is the last ever you'll hear me whining about work. for awhile at least. haha maybe till the few days running up to my final exam. but i really would have no legitimate reason to complain then.

so the thesis was done and submitted on tues. spent the rest of the day getting readings for my final paper...oh, but in between submitting my thesis and starting work on the next paper, MCYS called me up for an interview which i was really taken by surprise about coz the timing was immaculate! :) so i went for that yesterday morning. was one straaaaange experience that left me really confused. haha anyway, what turned out great was bumping into an ex-student of mine who's doing his poly attachment at the probabtions branch! haha was really surreal for a moment coz the first time i ever met him was when jam and i were supervising the kids at the track during their training session some...4 years ago. haha and now this kid's working!! was on the phone with adrian when he walked towards me while on the phone himself with an equally shocked and quizzical look on his face. haha it was hilarious. heh so anyway, jed, adrian, an intern of his and i trooped off for lunch. was fun coz it was a really random mix of people! anyway, finally headed off after a long lunch and bought my dress on the way to meet jess. hahaa i couldn't help it. it's like a post-thesis treat? haha not.

so spent the rest of the day out reading and attempting to write my paper but coming up real short before finally getting home entirely zonked at 1am. ok so i digress. the point is...it's 2.15pm now and i've gotta finish this paper somehow in the next 5 hours. i'm at the introduction with a good 2000 words to go. someone kill me please. i can't do this.........

on a seperate note, i should have gotten dhoby to read my thesis! sent the boy my paper to help me get it bound and he read it before he sent it and promptly spotted like 3 mistakes - my table was misaligned, my page set-up was wrong, and his name was spelt wrongly in my acknowledgement page............haha

ok....help God. i really really can't do this. 4 years on, my zillionth and last paper, and i'm reminded as freshly as ever that apart from You i can do nothing!

2007-04-02T22:41:00.000+08:00

i wonder what deluded state i was in when i said i was 95% done in my last post. since then, i've reworked so much of my thesis and it still doesn't seem perfect. but mils insists its God-given inspiration. hahaha

i'm just still in semi-disblief that it's really really finally almost over. we got an extension till tmr morning, 10am which i'm thankful for but i've gotta stop fussing over it. i'm feeling rather paranoid that i may have stray sentences somewhere in the 100 pages but everytime i try to proof read, my eyes just kinda gloss over the words. so i should stop.

all i can say is that God's been so good and truly, His strength has indeed been made perfect in my weaknesses. i managed to catch a grand total of 30 mins of sleep last nite but it lasted me all day to do our Welfare Econs presentation and work on my thesis. haha i'm running on nothing but grace and adrenaline i think. my brother's betting on my doctor's bill that i'll fall sick after all of this. twit.

ok, enough rambling. it's time for bed. it's funny really, but i'm gonna miss working on my thesis. haha guess i've developed a strange bond of sorts with it. school is actually ending.

my favourite part of my thesis

2007-04-01T19:41:00.000+08:00

my thesis is due tmr!! haha but thankfully i'm about say 95% done. doing my final read thru to trim the fat, tighten it up, and put my finishing touches to it. it seems like a miracle that it's almost over really...but you know what? i couldn't have gotten through it without many of you. so...here's the very first page (or rather first 2 coz i couldn't squeeze it all in one! haha) of my thesis for you guys. i've cut and pasted it as it is : )

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

“I thank my God every time I remember you.” Philippians 1:3

Dr Ngiam – Thank you for your infinite patience, your words of wisdom, your kind and gentle smile, your fatherly demeanor and reassurance that calms me even in my most worried and anxious state, and for always putting aside your heap of work and making time whenever I come a-knocking, almost always without first making an appointment! You’ve inspired me to go further, strive harder, and to integrate all that I’ve learnt and am passionate about in this thesis. I couldn’t have picked or asked for a better supervisor! Thank you so, so much!

Mom & Dad – Your unconditional love and continual sacrifice, every little thing you do for me just so I’ll have more time to rest and be in top form, your bearing with my grumpiness, your prayers and encouragement, your belief and pride in me, and your challenging me to hold fast to Truth alongside reality, have enabled me to be the best I can be! Thank you both for bringing me up to love God and people, to walk humbly before Him, and to be the person that I am. This short paragraph obviously doesn’t do justice to all you’ve done! I love you both.

Kor – Thanks for reminding me that I can’t save the world but there’s One who can! And for always making me laugh and usually giving in to my whining! Haha love you!

Mils & Cheryl – oh what would I do without you both? Mils, thanks for being my thesis partner! I’m so that I’ve had you to walk this journey with. Cheryl dear, you truly are a blessing in countless ways. Thank you both for the amazing friendship, your encouragement and support, constantly reminding me that God’s in control of this and everything else that weighs heavy on my heart, and for walking with and by me through what’s probably been the hardest bit of NUS. Haha oh and of course for showing me that the library’s not such an awful place after all, as long as I’ve got great company!

Lav & Giblert (a.k.a Dhoby) – Lav! There’s too much to say! As Dhoby says, we really are “solemates!” Thank you for being there (mid-wk movies, shopping, Subway, the longest conversations about everything…), for always making me laugh, and for challenging me to think and see things I wouldn’t otherwise have seen or thought about in a new light. There’s no one else I’d wanna do India AND my grad trip with too!
Dhoby! Thanks for making it a point to ask how it’s going, for the crucial and timely reminders that God’s holding onto me, and perhaps you don’t know this, but for challenging me to pursue righteousness and holiness and to hunger to know more each day the wonders of His Person.

My favorite Ngohs – Farand! I know your Creative is your lifesource, yet u lent it to me whenever and however long I needed it for to get my recordings done. And like you’ve said, our talks are always engaging and insightful! Thanks for always being there, regardless the time of the day and what it’s about. Maybe I’ll buy you a fishing net to thank you for all you’ve done. *grin*
Small Ngoh, thanks for helping me transcribe and for going to the gym/track/breakfast with me whenever I needed a break and some company!

My CG – You guys are the best! You bring me such joy and I have so much fun with you guys that leading a CG hardly seems like much work at all! Haha oh but that’s because I have Toille and Nat too. Thank you both for helping me lead CG. Couldn’t have done it alone. You guys are gems and you really do polish and sharpen me!

Church peeps – Angela, Li Yee, Vera, Jo, Ade, people in my Kairos CG & several others – thanks for praying and cheering me on towards the finishing line! You guys have often come alongside me just when I needed it. My dear mentor, thanks for taking time to read my thesis despite having a lovely bundle of joy to attend to. Thank you too, for walking through much of my university life with me, making time to meet up and see how I’m doing, providing me with much encouragement, and covering me in prayer.

Friends – Adrian, Hui & Beryl, thanks for linking me up with my interviewees! Adrian, thanks also for being there and saving me/getting me out of tight situations, and for being my wise, like-minded friend. Hui, thank you for being such a great friend as well. I’m humbled and inspired by the way you put others above yourself and give nothing but your best and more. It’s been such fun having you in our Welfare Econs group! Kel, thanks for being the one who usually initiates meeting up even and especially when I’m stressed with work. Jamie, Mich, Amu, and everyone else who’ve been there at some or many points along this long and often challenging journey, THANK YOU!

Social Work department & Honors Class of 06/07 – Dr Ng G.T., Dr I. Ng, Dr. Lee, Dr. Nair…thanks for being so approachable and for playing an integral role in exciting and challenging me about SW and equipping me with what I need to enter the field. Mdm Suraya, thanks for being such a wonderful go-between Dr Ngiam and I! Kenny & Gerard, I have no idea how we ended up in the same group but I know it wouldn’t have been the same without you two! To the Honors Class, thanks for making this last year in NUS the best I’ve had.

Research participants – Thank you for making time, for your honesty and forthrightness, and for helping me grow through this process. I’m humbled and challenged by your strengths and resilience.

Participating agencies – Thank you for taking the time and effort despite your busy schedules to help link me up with my research participants. Nick, I really want to thank you for going the extra mile to help me with my ISM and thesis. I really would have been stuck without your help!

My Heavenly Father – Thank You, God, for grace and strength, for wisdom and insight, for growing and stretching me, for teaching me to trust and depend entirely on You, for never failing me or letting me go, for showing me that Social Work is exactly where You’ll have me, and for the wonderful people You placed around me to see me through. Thank You for opening me eyes to see things the way You do.

minor scare with potentially major consequences

2007-03-29T20:06:00.000+08:00

so i've gone on the last four years thinking that i'd have nothing to worry about when i graduate - except work itself of course. never thought i'd have to fuss and worry about applying for jobs and writing a cv and all that though since...i'm bonded and no matter what, i'll have a job. but then we decided that we wanted to go for our own interviews before we got were issued lists of where to go, so that was the plan.

but then i missed the deadline for the only job that has caught my attention and only found out today that my online application wasn't submitted. it's entirely my fault coz i didn't check and i forgot about it while rushing to finish my thesis draft. but still! couldn't believe myself! how'd that slip by me?!

and i only realized and panicked when adrian asked if i was gonna be his colleague and it hit me then that i had missed the deadline! but he immediately set about asking his colleagues who he could speak to and helping me out with it. and i'm really grateful coz too many times has this boy saved me from various kinds of odd situations i find myself in. so thank you, mr ng.

haha who'd have thought that this random boy i met while relief teaching would turn out to be such a life-saver on so many counts. this is the 4th time, ain't it? hahaha

and so i don't know if they'll still accept my application. but joanne's right - we'll definitely have jobs, it's just a matter of where. i wish just was just...just. but it's not just just. haha ok nvm. but she's right...God, you already know where You wanna place me. of course i've gotta get down to sending out my applications and being proactive about it...but i'm reminded that i can do all the planning i want, but ultimately, it's not up to even where NCSS places me, it's where you You do. so yes, i surrender this next scary portion of my life to you. i don't even know if i really want this job....suddenly i feel kinda lost...but...

For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.
-- Larry Eisenberg

vaguely clear/clearly vague

2007-03-29T15:33:00.000+08:00

when i do think about it, i'm left feeling hollow and empty inside with questions i may never get answers to.

my breathing becomes more shallow and sometimes there are tears to blink away.

wish i knew how it got like this and if it'll always be like this, but i really don't know.

am i content to not know? possibly. in fact, yes, i am, though that eats at me.

and so my rational self pushes it away, back to the deep recesses somewhere so that life can go on as usual. i've gotten so good at that.

but sometimes it comes back to get me though i try not to let it.

then i ask myself why not. figured coz i just don't have the answers and i'm not sure i want to know them now anyway.

i know i'll have to deal at some point.

i'm tempted to question.

then i'm reminded in my moments of helplessness, cluelessness and brokenness of the assurance of Your love.

You allowed it. i don't know why...but i know i'm being held on to even when things don't make sense and they aren't all that i hoped they would be.

so do you go on hoping? in what? that's the question ain't it?

coz that makes all the difference - where hope is placed.

when the floodgates opened

2007-03-28T13:33:00.000+08:00

so i didn't think i'd be posting anything for awhile but i'm sure not feeling up to work..though of course, that's not an option. so i'll set my lazy self down to it after this.

guess last night's meltdown really took me by surprise. so i battled against myself over whether to go for LCM or not. i almost didn't go coz everything that could have gone wrong on my way to church, did. so it seemed really logical not to. but i did anyway, as i would later find out why. apparently i'm not holding up so well to this stress afterall. thought i was doing pretty ok, but i was wrong i guess...

but at least i came up with an interesting theory last night while talking to ems during our 16 mins slot (haha u have to be there to know what shern put us up to): people usually only have flings over the summer/during holidays coz that's when they can deal with emotional/irrational/non-logical things when the intellectual/responsible/work-related part of them is not functioning or working full-time. haha i think the brain can only cope with either intellectual/work-related things or emotional/relationshippy things optimally, not both concurrently. it's just too demanding and overwhelming. haha ok enough rambling.

i'm just glad i went in the end. thank you, God. You knew i needed to be there.

theeeeeesis

2007-03-27T11:43:00.000+08:00

ooooooooh!! so many things to do!! haha i've listed A-N number/alphebet of things to do by this week. and i've cancelled off but ONE item on my to-do list. there's still the referencing, qoutations, appendex, editing, abstract, coming up of tables, aligning everything, checking font and font sizes and color schemes and all that else to do. bah. of course tightening my arguments and ideas too.

it's like writing a freaking book lah, except i have no one to pay to help me with these small but oh-so-entirely-time-consuming small bits of essentials. "it's just stylistics, eunice" says my dear sup. just? JUST? haha to think i walked out of his office with such hope last week, actually believing him that there isn't that much to go. hahaha well at least i had toille's help a little last night! thanks for "relpartstats!" it's brilliant :)

so i'm not complaining. really. my head just hurts. other than that, i'm quite enjoying it. (have to lah...don't wanna regret never enjoying school till i find out how much worse working is) haha there's just sooo much to do that everything else is pretty much on hold - no more planning for grad trip and all this week. purely workworkwork in between project meetings and class. sneaking out 5 mins to just post this to show i'm still alive. haha i sure could do with some prayer tho.esp since i've not been getting enough sleep and when i do sleep, i've not been sleeping well at all thinking about this part i hadn't added in or that reference i hadn't included or something like that.

ok i know what i need. my cappuccino. haha it'll all be better with that.

what i never thought i'd say about school

2007-03-23T20:36:00.000+08:00

mmm...if you could see me now, you'd see a small smile on my face...coz i realized that as i look back at my week, it's been great! haha i know i sound like i'm totally contradicting myself since the last few posts have been about how things have been pretty rough. but as horrible sounding as the past week has been, when i look back at it, i realize that it's exactly all that has happened in school this week that's gonna make me miss it. it's had all the right components!

let me explain...

i've had 3 classes this week (yes, one more than usual coz my lecturer is due to deliver in april so she's crammed her last 2 classes into these 2 weeks) and i've enjoyed them all. they've been mentally stimulating and i've been engaged and i've come out feeling like those 3 hours weren't 3 hours long at all. so that's been great. i've long complained about being understimulated in class but i'm finally being pushed to learn in areas somewhat outside my comfort zone but that still interest me, unlike ridiculousclasses which have absolutely no relevance to life like "Why calculus?" which leave me at the end of the semester bitter and much pained and still going, so why calculus?!

and then of course what's school without the bazaar rite? haha so i got yet another fabulous deal on a bag which i'm mighty pleased about! that's probably the highlight of the week. : ) i think i shall add to my list "ample shopping and good deals within walking distance of my office" when i start job-searching. haha but really, walking into school and seeing no bazaar saddens me. it means there's nothing to look forward to after class! or after a looong project meeting! or after the lib! but walking into school and seeing the stalls being set up places a little hope and healthy expectation in me. hahaha

oh, and i've the absolute best project groups! my poverty group is amazingly efficient and high calibre and for once, i feel entirely comfortable leaving the editing and finishing touches to my groupmates. and my welfare group of course, needless to say, are God's gifts to me. they're my spiritual support, social support, emotional support and hiyah...too much u can ask for in a group. haha

and the lecturers....they make all the difference to my academic life. honours yr is so different coz you're on such a different level with them...you walk in anytime and they're there willing to put aside what they're doing to talk to you, ask you how you are, and offer you what you went to them for and more. they're brilliant at what they do yet they're so entirely approachable about everything and anything.

oh! and the thinking corner, this new cafe at LKY, is now open! haha ok random point but it made me day today! got a greeeaat cuppa coffee during my break. the vanilla latte was wonderful. haha when i brought it back to class and took my first sip of it, i instinctively smiled to myself and let out a sigh of contentment and said to myself "ah...life." haha and dhoby happened to hear me so he turned and looked at me and said in semi-shock "wow...that was a profound statement!" hahaha and i said "huh...? or a deeply superficial one" haha that was one of those ad-worthy moments i tell you. it was hilarious. but man the powers of a good cup of coffee. haha i'm so easy to please it's crazy.

yeah...so snippets of my week...haha which yes, exclude the work and all...but which capture the essence of what's been the best of it. and finally, in my final sem, i can say i love school. it's finally got all the right components - i love the mental challenge, i love being pushed, i love the flexbility of time, i love the people i have around me, and i love the facilities in school (ok, just the shopping and the good coffee). but i hate the fact that it's almost over. haha oh well...guess i'll just have to savour the last two weeks of this. i hope they're as good!

am i carnally minded?

2007-03-23T18:29:00.000+08:00

ok so this is exactly what i've been struggling and coming to terms with lately and so i thought i'd share it coz it challenges, provokes, but proves so true. it's from My Utmost For His Highest...

AM I CARNALLY MINDED?

Whereas there is among you jealousy and strife, are ye
not carnal?
Corinthians 3:3

No natural man knows anything about carnality. The flesh lusting against the Spirit that came in at regeneration, and the Spirit lusting against the flesh, produces carnality. "Walk in the Spirit," says Paul, "and ye shall not fulfil the lusts of the flesh"; and carnality will disappear.

Are you contentious, easily troubled about trifles? "Oh, but no one who is a Christian ever is!" Paul says they are, he connects these things with carnality. Is there a truth in the Bible that instantly awakens petulance in you? That is a proof that you are yet carnal. If sanctification is being worked out, there is no trace of that spirit left.

If the Spirit of God detects anything in you that is wrong, He does not ask you to put it right; He asks you to accept the light, and He will put it right. A child of the light confesses instantly and stands bared before God; a child of the darkness says - "Oh, I can explain that away." When once the light breaks and the conviction of wrong comes, be a child of the light, and confess, and God will deal with what is wrong; if you vindicate yourself, you prove yourself to be a child of the darkness.

What is the proof that carnality has gone? Never deceive yourself; when carnality is gone it is the most real thing imaginable. God will see that you have any number of opportunities to prove to yourself the marvel of His grace. The practical test is the only proof. "Why," you say, "if this had happened before, there would have been the spirit of resentment!" You will never cease to be the most amazed person on earth at what God has done for you on the inside.

stilled

2007-03-22T19:28:00.000+08:00

so i was told by those who've gone through it before that thesis is a killer. i guess i always knew that but never really...believed it? haha or i chose not to or something. but i'm beginning to believe them. but i think they missed something out. thesis in itself, is not a killer. it's the several other deadlines around it PLUS thesis that kill.

so i think the 5th person told me today that i've shrunk in size. which i don't mind that much haha. but it scares me a little too coz i've pretty much been eating and exercising the same as before. the only thing i've been doing differently is SITTING more in front of my laptop churning out page after page of one paper or another. how does that contribute significantly to weight loss? so i've decided that the stress is eating me up. haha

what's probably more worrisome is that i've had more panadol these 5 days than i have like all of last year! i hardly eat panadol. maybe 2 a mth at the most. but in order to put away the fever or the throbbing headache or crams (which, yes, have mercilessly chosen to plague me all in one week, one after another), i've popped those pills and tried to sleep more. but despite clocking a luxurious 7-8 hours a nite this week, i still feel and look exhuasted so quickly each day it's nuts.

what's happening to me?! haha i think my body's giving in to the stress. and it's not just the stress of work. i didn't know that planning holidays were stressful too! haha

i keep telling myself it'll be over soon (the work i mean). but after meeting with my welfare econs group and my sup to go thru my draft, once again, the end seems so far. haha but i know it's not. in 2 wks it'll all be over. 2 weeks. 2 weeks. 2 weeks. oh, that makes 6. no, just 2 i mean.

but God never fails to show up when i'm about to crumble from the tiredness and all to assure me that He's in control. kenny shared this with us b4 we started our proj meeting and it was exactly the same few verses that got sent to me today via this email thing i subscribe to. i never cease to be amazed at how God always knows when i need Him.

"God is our refuge and strength,

always ready to help in times of trouble.

So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into

the sea.

Let the oceans roar and foam.

Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!

A river brings joy to the city of our God,

the sacred home of the Most High.

God dwells in that city; it cannot be destroyed.

From the very break of day, God will protect it...

Be still, and know that I am God!

I will be honoured by every nation.

I will be honoured throughout the world.

The Lord of Heaven's Armies is here among us;

the God of Israel is our fortress."

Psalm 46

when obedience is so hard

2007-03-19T21:01:00.000+08:00

ok, so some of you already know that i'm going to Europe for my grad trip with lav. and well, to my surprise, my parents were really cool with it! well, intially, at least. guess possibly coz we'd earlier suggested South America. haha

anyway, so they were great with us going to Europe...until they spoke to their friends and suddenly, they've decided they don't want me going. oh but first, my mom woke up in the middle of the night and got really worried. and i know i can't fend off my mom's worry esp when she's got an intuition and 6th sense about things.

so yeah, i'm pissed since i've already given my word to lav and we've already been planning bits of our trip the last month or so and it's been one thing that have been keeping us going thru all the work.

but oddly enough, just before they raised their reservations on Sunday night, i was reminded during qt to commit my trips and everything beyond my thesis to God and let Him work it out and i really wanted His plans over mine, yes, even with my grad trip and living it up before i start work. then they decide it's not safe! didn't wanna pursue it when they first told me coz i was peeved and i knew anything i said wld have not been better not said. so i sat mum and tried it to not let it bug me the rest of the night over dinner.

so i brought it up again today after talking to lav a little bit about it and tried to reassure them again tonight. tried assuring them that we've got our bases covered in Paris and Italy...but i didn't go far. i knew i could stretch the truth about who we'll be meeting and staying with and all but guess what? today's qt was about being transparent, having nothing to hide, and having no duplicity. ooooooooh God....i wasn't planning on this!

and so they're still not for me going coz they just don't feel safe about it. sigh. goes back to the fact that we're two girls doing europe alone without the boys. i know where they're coming from...but it just sucks.

i don't know how i'm gonna convince them or if i'll even manage to. i'm definitely hoping i manage to. but i know that even if i do, they're not gonna be at ease with me going. and i hate doing things they're not in favor of...and so i ask them where we could go that would ease their mind and they say austraila. siiiiiigh.

lav, we'll talk more about this tmr. there's still room for negotiation with the folks. they're fine with where we're going except Paris and Italy and the traveling to/within these places. sigh.

ok God, Your will over mine. i surrender. just wish obedience weren't so hard. haha

restored.comforted.overflowing

2007-03-18T12:22:00.000+08:00

ok so finally, time to post something decent.
a ton floating around in my head so i'm gonna try making sense of it/organizing it here.

guess while i was struggling to write come up with my thesis draft (which by God's grace, i did! thank you for praying! :) ) and submit it so i could work on my 2 other papers/presentations this week, there were 2 things that kept me sane and kept me going. 2 crucial truths that stopped me from drowning in my awful self-pity and loathing about how crazy my final semester was turning out to be and how immensely far the end of the tunnel seemed. it sure felt like there wasn't an end actually. but then of course there is, and thankfully i'm learning to enjoy the journey. haha learning is the key word here.

anyway, so we're doing a sermon series on motivational gifts in church now and last week's was on the gift of exhortation. and i must admit that it's been really long since i've been gripped by what was God saying from the pulpit the way i was last sat. i was physically exhausted and spiritually dry and i honestly wasn't expecting much...felt like one of those services when you're there and you go through the motions. but God was there to meet me and speak straight into my heart which took me by surprise. says a lot about my spiritual state then eh. so it first came as a rebuke...a gentle, but clear one:

i was made to realize that i wasn't using the motivational gift He'd given me. i wasn't encouraging, exhorting, coming alongside people and doing the stuff He's enabled me to do. and i was beginning to feel the effects of not using my gift...or burying it...you see, everytime i looked at my organizer, i'd be overwhelmed by what needs to be done...and so i'd cut back on ministry...not in tangible ways..i still prepare bs and lead cg and all..but i know the difference - i'm not covering my sheep in prayer as much, i'm not meeting their indiviudal needs, i'm not being the shepherd i should be, i'm not challenging them grow, i'm not unconditionally there, yeah, the list goes on but u get the picture.

basically, i was in self-preservation mode. but i was wasting away without even knowing it.

dawned on me that although God gives us gifts to build others up, using them builds US up and draws US closer to Him. and well...the opposite is true. not using it leaves us feeling unfulfilled, dry, ineffective, and well....withered. realized that gifts aren't meant to just benefit those we serve, they're meant for us too! coz i soon began to feel this: "how come no one's coming alongside me? i need an outlet too...i need you to be there. i need someone to be there. why aren't you there?" and i was looking for people to meet my needs. but of course that wasn't verbalized. and it just festered and growed in me and ate me up. and God revealed my pathetic state of self-pity as it was. i'd stopped reaching out, i'd stopped giving, i'd started feeling sorry for myself and discontented, and i'd gotten bitter. and my eyes were on myself and my state instead of on my God and what's most important to Him. what a slippery slope that was.

and then He spoke words of comfort and encouragement after showing me the state i'd gotten myself in. and i realized that only He can satisfy. only He understood me perfectly, only He could comfort me, and only He could provide. and all i had to do was draw close and be satisfied in Him alone - not what people or circumstances can offer. and possibly for the first time in my life, Psalm 23 spoke deeper than it ever has.

"The LORD is my shepherd, i shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores me soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even thoguh i walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
i will fear no evil,
for your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me...
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever"

and therein, i realized the secret of it all. i needed Him and only He could be all i needed and more. if i want my cup to overflow out of the blessings and goodness God's showered in my life, i have to be continually filled and satisfied by Him and poured out so that i'll constantly experience more of Him in my life. coz but by not giving, i unknowingly cut off the flow of blessings from on high. no wonder i was dry and withered.

and so i was challenged to use my gift, to serve, to do what God's gifted me to do even if i didn't feel like i had the capacity to. and boy...it's made all the difference in the world when i chose to despite feeling inadequate. and in my brokenness and woundedness and inability, in the littlest of ways, the more i gave, the more i received, disproportionately more! and indeed i've been able to say "my cup overflows. surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

even when the going got tough and i began to grow physically weary and tired, one thing Dhoby said struck me and helped keep me on track. He reminded me that God's holding on to me. and that was all i needed to know and hold on to. coz then i was assured once again that "i shall not be in want...(that) he restores me soul...(that he'll) comfort me"

what more can i ask for?

multiple-personality disorder?

2007-03-15T15:51:00.001+08:00

haha ok so apparently it changes everytime you put a new submission so i tried again coz it's that time of the day when i'm getting bored and unproductive. anyway, so i put in my name again but this time, the e wasn't in caps. and this was what came up:

eunice --
[adjective]:

Benevolent to a fault

'How" will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

thought it was hilarious coz it reminded me of this random guy i walked by during Open House. he was helping out too and i think he was student rep for English or Lit or smt and he looked at my tag which said "Social Work department" and said, "i knew you'd be from social work! you have that face!" i stopped in my tracks, looked at him and said "riiiiiight." coz i hate it when people say that. so the girl next to him said "wahhh can you hear the sarcasm?" haha she really cldn't be more spot on there but he quickly jumped in to say "no lah, like if i'm some delinquent or something, i'd go straight up to her and talk to her and i'd be a real good boy after that! you know? she's just got the kinda face social workers have!"

haha i walked off laughing coz this guy was hilariously random. but i left with 2 thoughts: either this guy obviously doesn't know what a delinquent's like and how one thinks since he's probably far from ever being one, or maybe, just maybe, probabtions might really be something i should go into. applications are open i hear.

oh well...anyway, one day i'm a tuna tin stealer, the next day i'm benevolent to a fault. hahaha ok back to thesis writing. baaaah.

2007-03-14T17:30:00.000+08:00

ok so since there's no time to blog, i thought that at least this was entertaining!
got it off lav's blog and decided to try it. heh you should too. it's hilarous!

so this is me apparently. haha

Eunice --
[noun]:

A person who likes to steal tins of tuna

'How" will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

learning through the mundane

2007-03-09T19:38:00.000+08:00

so i've toned down on blogging a fair bit...for 2 reasons i guess - there ain't much to talk about when u spend the entire day for 3 days straight in front of ur laptop surrounded by stacks of notes and do nothing but attempt to cough up a decent 12000 word thesis draft. and secondly, coz i've been writing so much already, the last thing i wanted to do was sound coherent and like i have it together on public space. haha

but yes, i am learning to count my blessings. proud to say i've been less stock market-ish! guess it's as simple as asking God for grace and strength and joy to face each day even though i'm inclined to groan when the alarm goes off and grunt when i roll over and see my laptop and messy table beckoning and grump when i'm stuck after many hours of working and re-working something i've already re-worked. heh thanks for asking, those of u who have! :)

and i think i'm finally convinced of the importance of incentives and intentionally injecting "perk-me-ups" each day. it really does help prevent dimishing returns from setting in. it's sneaky really coz when i stop for a break, i don't actually feel i need it. but when i return to work, i'm much faster. so that goes to show i need of a break tho i'm not always aware of it. so wed was dinner with farand, yday was cutting my hair (which didn't get done coz suddenly the rest of gombak decided they wanted 2 cut their hair too..so ended up having tea with the brother which was nice), and today was popping out for a bit to do a little bit of shopping. haha

so i'm gonna try keeping optimistic and focused on what's done. like patting myself on the back everytime i finish writing like section 2.1 or 2.2.1. afterall, i am taught to “be joyful always; to pray continually; to give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will” for me (1 Ths 16-18). I am also taught not to be “anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, (to) present our requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” (Ph 4:6-7)

the pendulum

2007-03-07T14:14:00.000+08:00

i hate feeling like it's not good enough. worse yet, i hate feeling like i'm not good enough.

i hate feeling like it's beyond me. but then, so much is.

so many questions, so many thoughts, so many doubts. not sure i want answers. not sure i want to know.

some days, it just seems so much harder. somehow, you never quite measure up.

but by whose measure?

times like these, taking captive of my thoughts has never seemed more important. or more difficult.

so i sway. but i'm held fast. is that all that matters?

You are all i need

2007-03-04T16:48:00.000+08:00

it's been one crazy weekend alright. it has seemed incredibly long but i know it really hasn't been. think i really overdid it yday though...i could feel it but i tried to ignore it...my body obviously couldn't so now i'm officially sick with all the flu symptoms in tow. well, for all it's worth, i managed to do an insane amt of things yday - play 2 hrs of floorball in church, do 2 interviews in seng kang, rush back in time to attend service with my cg, have dinner with the older girls at ade's and play a bit of cranium, drive home from church (yes, this is big for me coz i've NEVER driven home coz it's way too complicated but i finally did on my own! well not quite on my own coz my steady direction guide was there! haha thanks again big ngoh!), have a really goot talk and catch up with farand, and veg out a bit in front of the tv b4 falling into bed. haha woke up 9 hours later aching n feeling like crap though. probably the combined effect of playing floorball for the first time this yr and being sick. haha and maybe age.

anyway, i think what's even more amazing from the weekend is how God's spoken so clearly about so many things through such diverse ways. it's too hard putting it all down here but i'd be glad to share with you one-on-one if we get the chance to! :) but the gist of it is that i've been reminded again of my calling to be a cg leader, what that means, how great that responsibility is, how i want my heart to become more and more like His, especially for His sheep, how i want Him to be glorified in my life, no matter the wordly state i'm in, and how i want my life to continually be surrendered to Him in every way. i thank God that He's not done with me yet, that His grace abounds, and that He doesn't grow tired of me or give up on me. so i'm not so sure what some of what He has spoken means exactly, or how it's gonna play itself out, but i know that You'll make straight my paths and i rest in that promise.

oh! and for a small thesis update: i've finally finished my interviewing process! i've less than a month to write my thesis and i plan to finish my draft by this week. haha i don't know how and i actually doubt i'll manage to pull it off...but i know You'll see me through. i really don't feel up to it and i know i'm gonna struggle and be stretched to a whole new level....but i know You'll see me through. Make Yourself so so real and present Lord. I need You, i do.

what a day!

2007-03-01T20:13:00.000+08:00

alright...so i've decided that for all the talking i've done about not liking my procrastinating, i'm actually not so convinced myself. dhoby pointed out last nite that i'd been saying that i've been an icky procrastinater for the past 2 yrs! i didn't quite realize how long i'd been complaining about myself for...haha but then my rationale/feeble attempt at defending myself was that i only suffered intensely for a couple of days or maybe weeks...but it soon went away. and i got the job done. and the pain was quickly forgotten...since i really do have a very selective memory and a short term one at that. haha so maybe i'm not all that adverse to my last minuteness. though it irks me when i'm suffering badly for it coz it makes me feel like i've mismanaged my time. but then i feel awfully accomplished after im done and i treat myself to a mani/pedi or some shopping or catching up with someone and all's good! haha gee i've almost engaged myself in a chickenandeggish argument!

anyway, today was a fine example of how i actually like working against time. got to school early, or the library to be precise (yes, i'm a frequent library-er now in case u didn't know) and after doing qt and all, realized i had hardly any time left before i had to run off and see ngiam. so i was dead focused and pretty intense for a good 2.5hrs or so and got my act together before seeing him. spent a good 1hr-ish talking to him (yeah, kept pulling him back to answer my precise qns coz i cldn't stay long), had a really good discussion, and left in a hurry to get my stuff frm the lib, rush off for a briefing, get software installed in my laptop, pick up lib books, and hitch a ride frm mils' mommy. haha so i feel mighty accomplished today! guess i'm just pleased to have crossed so many things off my to-do list. oh and yes, i'm very very thankful for how my thesis is working out conceptually. and my sup's pleased too so all's good for now! thanks for praying guys. :)

anyway, so i think i need to work out proper incentives and work within tight time constraints to maximize my productivity. hahaha i'm gonna try again tmr. :)

the brief respite

2007-02-27T23:18:00.000+08:00

so i've made it through two mid terms. today's was definitely worse than yday's and i know i'm gonna do horribly for it but oh well. just glad it's done and out of the way. was lamenting to dhoby last night that over the course of my uni life, i've become really last minute with studying and assignments. i'm not sure if last minute's really it though coz there's always other work to do and it's not like i've not been doing anything anyway. anyhow, as compared to the boy who does all his assignments and studies way in advance no matter how much he has on his plate, i definitely do not seem to be juggling my work well. haha but then again, i figured that i'll never have to fret about being last minute studying for mid terms anymore coz today's my last ever since i'm graduating this sem. haha can't decide if that's really a good or bad thing.

anyway, i'm glad both tests are out of the way. for the next 2 weeks or so, it'll be nothing but thesis since i've not written a single word and everyone subtly tells me i'm screwed. haha but hey! hopefully tmr's interview is the last and then i can really get down to writing. haha as pessimistic as this sounds, i'm already dreading getting stuck as i write and the endless hours i'm gonna be spending mulling over stuff.

anyway, before that painful process offically begins, lav and i headed down to town after our test today. i honestly can't remember the last time i was there. or the last time i watched a movie. and we did both tonight so that was really good. hadn't realized how long we hadn't been out, watched a show, talked about random stuff and all...oh! and we finally got down to talking about our grad trip! so london, belgium, paris etc....here we come! :) after we're done with our thesis and the rest the sem that is. haha but the end's in sight!!! kind of...for now, i'll just have to make do with reading Lonely Planet's Europe on a Shoestring Budget and the Contiki Europe guide. but those have gotten me sufficiently psyched up alreadY! :)

2007-02-26T16:52:00.000+08:00

i think there's a point i hit every semester when i'm reminded how feeble my own efforts are and how much i need Him and i am reminded that i'm dependent on Him alone.

i often wish i hit this point earlier so i wouldn't be like a wilfull chid trying to fix her fix her own mess or get things in order on her own when she obviously can't do it on her own. anyway, so here's AY2006/07 Sem 2's declaration of dependence. it comes amidst tension headaches, lack of sleep, much stress, and a whole ton of work undone. yet You alone sustain me, deliver me, and fill my heart with joy unexplainable.

unexpectedly expectant

2007-02-24T22:53:00.000+08:00

ok i think this post is not gonna do justice to how much i've been thinking about this all week coz of the horrible headache i've been having all day. but i know if i don't attempt to put it down now, i won't till tues or wed or later and the thought(s) would have gone stale by then and i'd probably not wanna do write about it by then.

ok so anyway, i've been thinking a lot about expectations. they're powerful, subtle, often unspoken, changing, and not always fair. i realized that left unchecked or unexamined, they can get you feeling really disgruntled or angry or disappointed or unsatisfied with things. it's scary how expectations are so easily formed and worse yet, how you often don't even know that they've formed and actually exist till they don't get fulfilled and you're left feeling foul or some variation of that.

so i decided to make it a conscious effort to check with myself when i get upset why i've gotten upset. and i realized it's coz things didn't go as i'd expected them to, or people didn't do or say things as i'd expected them to. but what i also realized was that they probably didn't even know what my expectations were or that i even had certain expectations of them. in fact, i didn't even quite know that myself. at least they weren't at the forefront of my conscious mind. but don't we still expect people to know these things since they're so obvious? what an interesting expectation there in itself! or assumption. but expectations are essentially assumptions if they're not communicated rite?

so essentially, i guess if i hold expectations without communicating them, it's not fair for those who i have expectations of. but it's so hard articulating them sometimes. so i guess i've chosen not to have them, or at least to stop having them if i become aware of them and i don't want to articulate them. it sure seems like an easier way out. i'm beginning to finally understand farand's wise words way back then when we were so much younger (hmmm he really must have been quite wise!) when he said "expectations screw things up coz you almost never live up to them and people bring such different expectations to the table. there's no such thing as bringing in no expecations."

perhaps naive or stubborn me just wants to carry on believing that i can not impose expecations. i mean if i don't have the guts to articulate them, i can't expect people to live up to them right?

but in general though, i think i'm quite easily pleased or suprised coz i usually just have very low or no or negative expectations of how the unexpected will turn out. so i usually walk away from something thinking "wow, that wasn't so bad after all" or "hey, that actually was pretty good." guess it's lots easier when the benchmark is set much lower.

i think that in so many circumstances, by default, i've always expected the worse that it's hard to be disappointed. yikes, doesn't that sound like a defense mechanism for you right there? but that's a different topic altogether.

oh, and i guess as obvious as this sounds, expectations are formed selectively. reciprocity isn't always expected in r/ships. for instance, with my cg, i really don't expect to receive what i give. (ok, at least not to me, but i do expect to give back to others and serve others.) perhaps that's why whenever they ask how i am or how they can pray for me or when my boys surprise me and actually live up to my often spoken expecations of them being gentlemanly, it always always gets to me and they have no idea how easily they make my day or make me smile and thank God for how wonderful they are. haha

so expectations are really strange. they're probably much more pervasive and powerful in your life than you know it. so go ahead, write down 3 expectations you have of the 5 closest people in your life. the chances are, you probably get peeved with them most easily too. and it might just be because they're not living up to your unspoken expectations. even more interestingly, go write down the top 3 expectations of yourself. maybe you feel crappy about yourself coz of your ridiculously high expectations of yourself.

right...so all this stuff has been swimming around in my head. wish my thoughtflow was tighter but at least i've gotten most of it out. and now, the bed is definitely beckoning.

people and things

2007-02-21T19:02:00.000+08:00

"we associate certain people with certain topics," so says my wise friend.

funny how we got talking about work and then it went off tangent and we began talking about stuff we always talk about when we do catch up. i know specifically what my wise friend means every time, even if its a very general questions like "how're u?" or "so how are things?" and it's funny really. coz it kinda shows how easily conditioned or categorized we are as people. so when i mused how we inevitably get to certain topics, my wise friend concluded the above.

and when i stopped briefly to think about it, i realized that like with big ngoh and the brother, fishing's our lingo; with lily, it's our no.1 choice; with my girls, yup, there def are things we def get onto every time; with the chi girls, it's about who's up to what so that even if ur meeting just 1 member of chi, u find out about the other 6 and their other (ex/present/almost) half; with lav, it used to be about pilot and so on....so we all have code words or pet topics, or whatever it is u wanna call it, that we naturally go on. and this takes place if u meet up for 1/2 a min or 1/2 an hr or 1/2 a day. haha it's not some great new realization or anything..just that it struck me how quickly we associate people with things or topics or events. haha wonder what my wise friend and i will talk about when there's no more drama in our life. hahaha oh how dreadful if such a day comes! how's that for drama? haha

2007-02-20T23:14:00.000+08:00

so the CNY break is officially over and the rest of mid-sem break (what a misnomer!) is to be spent studying for my 2 tests. sigh. well ok, i really shdn't complain since other pple have it worse..like dhoby! haha who has what? 4 in total, tho one's down alr? haha guess i'm more bugged about not having time to actually write my thesis. but i really am trying to worry about it. have to consciously fix my eyes on Him and remember that He's in control. can't believe half the sem's already over. i'm graduating in 2 months!!!!! crap.

well on a much lighter note, here's how difficult it is to take a decent photo in church...may have the tools and even the expertise...but whatever can go wrong, will. here's why...

we try taking a photo, nat and i, and then the clowns at the back decide to be a part of it. shd have known with toille sniggering while taking the photo. tsk...at age 19 and as a relief teacher...some boys still haven't grown up. hahaha

so we turn around to shoo our extras away...and our camara boy takes a shot of that!

then finally, after like 3-4 tries, he manages to take a frontal shot of just us both...but cuts off nat's head in the process. haha i think our camara boy doesn't like us much, nat. the only instance he's failed me so far tho. hahaha his position still remains. grin.

the sum of it all

2007-02-19T20:40:00.000+08:00

oh man chinese new yr bores me to tears. the greatest realization that i have is that increasingly, i really don't enjoy making small talk.

oh, and i realized too that my parents' opinons of others is rather contagious. like the people they like and think fondly/highly of, i somehow do as well. and others who they are less fond of...i realize i kind of am too. scary huh? didn't realize they have influence over me in that way.

i also think that it's sad that what i looked most forward to about CNY this yr were going to church and wearing my new dress! haha not even the new year goodies or finding out "total earnings" for the day.

so other highlights of CNY? realizing my aunt and i both like the smell of haze and burning incense and jasmine flowers, whining to/with farand over msn and coming up with Project Christmas 2007 with him, playing german bridge with Shi Rui/Ping/Yun/Wei (after allll these years, i still can't remember who's who), talking with Aunty Meng and Judith about MG days, and clowning around with Justus who's way too articulate and politically correct for a 4 year old kid. oh, and i'm glad my family's non-traditional. mom made pizza for chu xi dinner and we had a bbq for everyone on my mom's side instead yday of going back to my grandma's place this yr. refreshing changes i felt! :) haha so it almost sounds like there were soo many things i've enjoyed these last 2 days...but trust me. they've been loooong days. and each of these were small snippets along the way that almost convinced me that it wasn't so bad afterall.

i'm not sure what CNY will be like when i have my own family next time. haha go over to kor's place? will he have his 3 girls? will i have my 2 boys? will he be playing his own album in the hall like he was today? ahahaa. more importantly, will he be married?? hahaha funny how people have given up asking him that this year...

2007-02-18T01:36:00.000+08:00

hahah i just had to post this. this was taken ages ago when my cg came over for Christmas dinner and i wanted to give Cabbage Patch to Amber coz they look so much alike. so anyway, in the midst of preparing to give Cabbage Patch away, my boys had a good time....haha ok to give a more accurate account of things, they picked Cabbage Patch up by her hand/foot/head when i asked them to pass it to me or something and it was all wrong the way they held the baby doll. so i decided they should learn how to hold a baby properly. so here are my 2 gep-ers attempting to show their smarts. but obviously falling short. haha but it's ok lah...u guys are better at err...other things. haha like cracking me up.

and toille, rem how i was saying u look different in every picture? u look different now than frm just 2 mths ago!

2007-02-17T15:39:00.000+08:00

oh boo. the holiday mood must have sunk in already. it's 3.40pm and i've done absolutely nothing.

but it's good nothing. nothing workwise, but lots of good family time. got to sleep in till 10am which was sheer bliss. then got up, had breakfast and talked with the family about the randomest of things...did qt and then it was lunch. and we spent another 2 hrs talking about more random stuff. then it was 2pm...and i don't know what i've done since. talk to kel and eleanor. ok and so to not feel so bad about my slackness and total unwillingness and lack of motivation to do work, i'm reading eeleen's thesis. haha ohhh i suck.

and then...right after i'm done saying that, i begin to mildly panic realizing that i only have two weeks to write my thesis draft after i'm done with mid-term tests. crap. then justin comes along and says he'll be praying and that he'll be there when i need him. and i'm not sure if he actually means it coz he's hardly sweet like that...but he seemed earnest enough. haha we'll see. thanks anyway, dude.

and i realize that i'd better be more with it and stay on the ball and keep pushing myself since i feel accountable to people with the way i spend my time, especially since mom and gideon are helping me with transcribing to free up my time. sigh okok work.

forgive my rambling. just thinking aloud as usual.

you're beautiful

2007-02-16T23:53:00.000+08:00

you're really beautiful, you know?

i love your honestly. i love how you can be so transparent and real.

i love how you ask questions and talk things out and make sense of them on your own.

i love how you ask me so earnestly and innocently about this and that.

i love how your emotions show through, for how your heart is always tender, for how you hurt when i hurt, or at least respond in ways that i can't or don't allow myself to.

i'm glad we met up tonight. and i'm glad you're my mentee. coz you sure remind me of so many precious lessons age or life or something or other have erased away.

and i liked going back in time tonight as well. grin. so now you know. haha i love you.

thoughts and time

2007-02-15T23:33:00.000+08:00

sometimes u read something and it stops u dead in ur tracks, especially when you just talked about it or thought about it or been doing both. and thoughts race thru ur mind and jump from one to another. then you stop yourself, shake your head, and tell yourself to stop it. happened once too many times today about completely different things. but it always helps to write it all out and make sense of it, especially for me it does. obviously not here...but in my notebook when its about work/thesis and in my journal when it's about life. haha my my, don't i sound melancholic.

but really, sometimes it gets me really upset and disgusted with the way things are. other times it makes me wonder. most times it lingers. but thankfully, almost every time it gets me running back to the One who has the answers, regardless what got me started in the first place.

chinatown

2007-02-14T23:15:00.000+08:00

i had a really really good time tonight. was looking forward to it coz i knew we'd have a blast, but i had no idea how good it'd be.

weather was perfect, food was good, there was strong breeze all night long, we managed to meet everyone tho pple came at different times, we plucked up enough courage to randomly sample all sorts of stuff for the heck of it, and we bascially had a great time! so many random signs like "please, no handwashing" and "cheesy family" and "long pant" and "1 for $5, 3 for $20" and people shouting and singing to get attention...it was all good stuff and there was soo much to see and laugh at and joke about. but i think what takes the cake for the night were these 2 stall vendors.

stall vendor 1: miss, u and me same
me: huh?
stall vendor 1: yeah, u and me same. (points to his shades on his head and then to mine)
me: haha ohhh (turns around and looks quizically at toille and cindy)
stall vendor 1: yeah, u know, today's valentines day. u and me same. you come here, come here. (motions for me to come over, opens a packet of jelly and gives it to me)
me: haha ohh...err. thanks. (hears toille and cindy laughing and sniggering behind me and we make a quick escape...only to run into stall vendor 2)

stall vendor 2: miss, we have mushrooms. come, try.
me: haha no thanks, mushrooms and jelly don't go good together.
stall vendor 2: WHY?
me: (shocked look then burst out laughing) no no, not that your mushrooms ain't good...it's just me. i don't usually eat them together (and we make an even faster escape but laughing as we go)

and then as our group grows and more people come, we walk up and down the lane a few times and each time i hide behind toille or shunz or in between the girls or something and successfully escape while my entire cg finds it extremely entertaining. but the 3rd time round, i didn't manage to hide, though i did try to dodge away and the mushroom guy (stall vendor 2) shouted "ay, 3rd time already!! why you hiding? i noticed!" and this time my cg errupts into laughter, esp toille whom i was hiding behind. haha thanks ah.

so finally when we were heading to the station, i made them take 2 backalleys so we wldn't have to pass mushroom man again. haha it was really good fun u guys. glad tai didn't get caught tho he had to climb over the gate, glad each of u made it, glad we had our cny "reunion-like dinner", and i'm just glad for each of u coz u guys are hilarious.

and here's us!

frm left to right: nat, cindy, eleanor, me (and job above me), toille, and shunz.

pleased

2007-02-13T20:13:00.000+08:00

ok, so i have finally broken out of my shopping sabbatical. abstained for a month and finally succumbed yesterday. and since then...i've bought one too many things. but haha they were such good steals they were hard to resist! i can't decide what i like most since they all serve different functions. bought a pretty necklace which i got several complements on, except from my brother who said that it looked like i had ferrero rocher, fish eye balls and yong tau fu looking things strung together.

haha and then i cldn't resist a shirt which read "men are like chocolate, the richer the better" I looove shirts with hilarious captions. heh and at the bazar, i resisted buying one dress only to buy another at jurong east. but it's in perfect cny colours and a perfect fit! haha why am i even trying to justify myself? but all that stuff for under $40! haha at least i feel like i can be productive studying again.

undefeated.

2007-02-12T21:17:00.000+08:00

i sometimes wonder if life kinda just happens to you.

been meeting quite a new people lately and when i think about it...i wonder whether they find me as different as i find them to be.

met this old lady when andrew, dhoby and i were on our way to dinner the other day and she was a real strong old lady. she was collecting cardboard boxes to sell and they were stacked so high that she couldn't quite see where she was going but she was bent on getting to her destination with all those boxes anyway. so andrew offered to help her. and we were amazed at how she worked so hard to make money and how others obviously noticed that and stall owners and all were extra generous in their dealings with her. she didn't seem to feel sorry for herself or call attention to her situation. she just went about doing what she did everyday. to me, her life seemed extra hard...but to her it just seemed..normal.

and i've been meeting various unwed mothers and i'm amazed at how life is for them. i'll never understand...but i'm surprised how easy it has been talking to them and how much they're willing to let me in and share their life with me so honestly and openly. i mean i've always known that all i thought was common and normal in my life isn't actually so...but seeing how someone 2 years younger than i am has 2 kids makes me realize how truly different people end up.

and at the end of the day, i see strengths and character and resilience i've never quite seen before. it's something borne out of the circumstances of life that most of the people i know don't go thru. it's something that is hard to explain, yet it's unmissable (if there's such a word).

so perhaps yeah, life may kinda just happen to people. but it's amazing seeing how they choose to respond. i'm glad that unlike the poor dog that i saw get run over a few times, life's hard knocks don't always have the final say.

lalalalala

2007-02-11T21:39:00.000+08:00

haha this is too funny. i know i'm gonna get smacked for posting this but i can't not. so to protect the identities of all involved....i'm gonna use pseudonyms. heh

lily: yup, her bday is on the 13th, wed itself!
me: nono, wed is the 14th. can u make her card anyway? are u free to?
lily: sure. don't u have anything on on the 14th?
me: me? sure i do. chinatown with my cg. why? do u suddenly have smt on? grin.
lily: haha me? no, u don't even have to worry about that.
me: haha well if u wanna bring someone along suddenly, that's fine. wait no, i take that back coz my no. 1 choice is alr going.
lily: haha! yeah, he's still ur no 1 choice eh? yay! i'm spending valentines day with eunice! :D
me: hahaha yeah! but who knows? maybe many yrs down the road...u may spend it alone with my no 1 choice without eunice. ahahah
lily: haha oh man! i highly doubt so :)

hahahaha i'm gonna get killed. but it's not obvious lah right? it's pretty encrypted i think.

2007-02-11T15:56:00.000+08:00

ok i think my body and will are rebelling coz i didn't get my sabbath rest this weekend due to err..unforeseen circumstances. heh i've been trying the past half an hr to read for tmr's class but i just can't seem to get down to it! i'm suffereing from a severe bout of nuah-ness i think. so i thought i might as well put down a few things yday that really got to me, in a good way.

for one, i realized anew how powerful music is. i thought i was the only one but when i turned ard, i saw nat and i knew i wasn't alone. so i went over to her and eleanor and gushed and squeeled and giggled and melted a little in good girly style. hahaha ok so some details must remain undisclosed but it was amazing i'm telling you. the effect some things create....haha sigh. i can't even put words to it. it's one of those moments u just let loose and be girly. haha

and of course toille and eric were amazing as mcs. they were so natural! haha and then watching about 10 people rubbing double-sided tape off the sides of the kindergarten tables when all was done and over was hilarious as well. it was such brainless yet concerted effort. toille, i want the picture u took of that pls! haha and i had fun with u and justin working at our table!

and i was glad for how everything worked out yday. seeing how in one year alone, people like sarah and nat and toille and shunz and everyone else in the comm stepped up and did such an amazing job was great. i think this yr's event went smoother than last yr's in fact! so congrats on the job well done u guys! u survived! haha which means u can do more since what doesn't kill u only makes u stronger. haha

oh, and i'm glad i got to let out all that pent up frustration of the afternoon b4 i got to church too. :)

haha ok so 2 hours till i've gotta go. i really ought to get some work done. bleeaah.

now what?

2007-02-09T11:43:00.000+08:00

on a more random note...it's exactly been a month.

doesn't seem so long so i guess it's easier than i thought. but still, i suspect there must have been grace involved for oh how i struggled then.

haha but on some small level, i still pine.

called. commanded.

2007-02-09T09:13:00.000+08:00

i'm kinda lost for words as to how to put it down but i'm gonna try anyway coz i believe none of this is a coincidence.

so i've embarked on reading thru the Bible for this yr and i knew i'd get stuck mid-way thru Exodus and the rest when it gets to chapter after chapter about cubits and acadia wood and all. but i really believe that God doesn't put these facts and figures randomly and my mom always reminds me that God always speaks when we're ready and yearning to listen.

so today i trudged on and i read about the makings of the Tabernacle from Exodus 26. and the study bible i'm reading cross-referenced me to 2 Cor 3:14-15 and what i was reading suddenly made so much more sense! all the more so in light of tonight's CNY Home Blessing and tmr nite's V-day evangelistic event.

then i checked my email and Char sent a long, heart-felt email about the people she's really burdened for. and while i've remained nonchalent for the longest time, i realized i can't anymore.

at the end of the day, only God can remove the veil that still shrouds the heart. "and we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit" (2 Cor 3:18) just need to do what we've been called and commanded to.

and i've been personally encouraged to see how all i am to do is really to step out in obedience and tell of who He is...and He'll do the rest. God just used the most amazing of ways to show me that!

u see, apparently one of my frens waaay back in pri 5 got a Bible and he told me so i started quizzing him about what he read. and apparently, i asked him what was abraham's name before God changed it and who Sarah was and all that. and apparently i was the first person who asked him stuff from the Bible. all random facts, yes, and a whole lot of "apparentlys" coz i didn't remember all this till he told me. and so i lost contact with him after primary school. and last wk, we got back in touch with each other and to my surprise, he tells me that he's now actively serving in church and has a burden for youth too and apparently, he remembers all these things about me coz i was the first girl who talked to him about the Bible!! and i was shocked. coz i had no idea that one day, this boy would grow up to love God, serve God, and be so passionate about bringing others to Him. and for me, it really brought such fresh meaning to how God says His Word will not return void to Him. so u see, it's really not that difficult! it's not intimidating. i'm talking to myself a lot here actually. haha yeah...so i'm still being amazed by this boy's heart for God and the people he serves...this same boy who no longer goes by his chinese name but a cool Bible name now. haha

so yeah...called. commanded. all that's missing is obedience. and that can no longer be.

lest i forget

2007-02-05T18:39:00.000+08:00

it's horrible how quickly i forget things. i'm not talking about the numerous occasions when i say something midway then forget what i was about to say or what my point was...or when i say something and am asked to repeat it and can't coz it's gone.

i'm talking about how God speaks clearly and reveals to me things He wants me to grow in and i soon forget. at the end of last yr/start of this yr, God showed me that prayer and evangelism are 2 areas He really wants me to grow in and so i committed myself to learning and doing more of both. things started out well with the week of 24/7 prayer but slowly waned. had jpm on fri and i prayed with my boys and was reminded of how good it is to pray with fellow believers, no matter what age or who they are!

then over the weekend, i heard Uncle Kenny and Dad preach and incidentally, the gist of what i took away from both sermons was the same - doing God's will and serving in areas as He calls. i was tempted to dismiss them as good sermons but with no direct relevance to me since i'm already serving but of course i've learnt that that's always the wrong response. so as i brought it b4 God, He immediately brought to mind my commitment to be praying and reaching out and how i've not been doing them.

i can't believe it's only the start of feb and i've forgotten!! so i'm posting this so that you guys can hold me accountable and remind me lest i forget again ok?

open sat

2007-02-04T20:48:00.000+08:00

it's been a pretty crazy weekend and i don't know where the energy has been coming from since i've been sleeping insanely late or way too little and doing a million things the next day.

was up till almost 4am on fri night/sat morning working on my poverty paper and i knew that was a bad idea since my cg was arrowed to plan the first open sat event of the year the next day. but thankfully, toille offered to go buy the stuff so i got an hr more of sleep the next day :) i must say that for the scale of the event, the effort and planning was pretty minimal so i'm definitely glad for that. plus, we got to harbour all sorts of evil thots all week about who'd dance to chori chori, bye bye bye, i am 16 going on 17, and oh, how could i forget...rain! hahaa so we finally decided to rig it and decide which cg wld dance to which song since we all wanted to see specific people dance to specific songs...*snigger* but u guys were so great! i've not laughed so hard and so much in awhile. and those of u who thought the embarrassment ends there...haha well i'm afraid not! the video will be out soon....these are sooo gonna be lifelong/ministry memories i tell u. maybe instead of paying for the video, u can pay for the non-release of the video. hahaha

my cg, u guys did great! what wld i do without each of u? seriously! we'll do swensons soon k? as soon as we figure out when we can go tho that is! haha

and cg leaders, if ur reading this, thank u sooo much for lending ur support and putting up with my cg's endless requests and weird techy msgs to bring this and that and actually bringing it all so that everything cld run smoothly! it was a huge risk we took not having back up speakers or mp3 players and all so i definitely appreciate ur cooperation!

currently listening to: chori chori hum gori se!! (on repeat somemore! haha maybe that's where the energy to keep up and going comes from!)

wipee!!

2007-02-02T17:39:00.000+08:00

you have no idea how good it feels to get calls saying "hey, i've got someone for you to interview!"

3 confirmed...(those of u who laughed when i said i'd doubled my number the last time, guess what? now i've tripled! haha) and a few more waiting to be confirmed. hoping and praying they agree! so with the new plan ngiam and i have for my thesis, finally things are falling into place! and i actually think i may exceed the number of interviewees i need now, since both aunty yee pin and ngiam emailed the head of kkh's msw dept a few hours apart! haha thank God for frens/sups in high places! haha

gee am i getting boring. all my posts have been about work lately, or the library, or some paper. bleeaaah.

anyway, so if u do know anyone who's an unwed mother or a premarital parent, please let me know! i'd love to get in touch with her/him. thanks!

huh

2007-02-02T11:52:00.000+08:00

haha so i really don't get it.

this Rain boy is sooo mega hot and his concerts are all sell-outs. but why??
i'm listening to his album and i'm laughing so hard its nuts. ok before i go on, i shd clarify that i borrowed it frm mils for tmr's open sat event coz we need to clip a minute of it.

anyway, so thot i'd listen to it first to find a suitable bit for the boys to to clip. but his first song has already got my doubled over. it's hilarious i'm telling you! i have not the slightest idea what he's singing/saying/rapping. come on and lide/side/light with me??? then i check the lyrics and it's "come on and RIDE with me." seriously, it's worse than "make a wish/fish!" i know i'm inviting a lot of flak here since there are prob a ton of Rain fans out there...but heh i need a boy who can speak proper english to use it in his songs to be won over man. maybe that's why i've never caught on to the whole chinese/korean thing. or wait...maybe coz i've never understood any it. as in the chinese and korean that's in it, not the english, tho that too. that would probably serve as a better explanation. heh

purely random

2007-02-01T21:37:00.000+08:00

today's been one delightfully random day!

went to the gym and felt like running which i haven't done in a long time coz of some weird pain i've been feeling in my heel. so i got back on the treadmill today and just ran and ran. felt really good.

then i turned on my laptop to charge the bro's ipod and had this string of emails abt my poverty proj meeting...and had to keep negotiating for time changes coz of all tt's going on in church this wkend...and i began to compromise on my sabbath commitment without quite being aware of it and God reminded abt tt during qt today when i read Exodus 16 (think that was the first time the sabbath was mentioned?) and so i prayed and asked God to work smt else out since i cldn't meet my grp on fri nite...and He did! so tt was cool. (actually i nearly double booked myself for sun too but thankfully He worked tt out too!)

and then while checking my email, i got a msg on friendster frm a primary school friend! and he said he had been looking for me for a really long time and asked if i remembered him. coz apparently he said i was the girl who grilled him about what Abraham's name was before God changed his name and asked him all sorts of questions from the Bible after he proudly told me he had one. haha i totally forgot about that. never knew i was so weird! and so we get in touch and start chatting online and realize that after a decade of not seeing each other, he's come to Christ, gotten really involved in church, has his calling in youth min, and is leading cg! and he says he has always remembered me as the girl who'd ask him about the Bible and who told him my name's in the Bible. and guess what? he's no longer called wei jie...he's now gideon! hahaha i think it's hilarious.

and then of course, walk into dr ngiam's office again w/o appointment and find him busy but as he always, he says "no no don't worry, there's always time for you two (mils and i)" heh so discussed some new ideas and i've found a new way to shape my thesis that allows me to cut down on the number of interviewees i need so i'm realllly thankful for that!

oh and bumped into aunty yee pin in the lib before that and she asked how research was coming along and all and she offered to link me up with the MSW head of KKH. heh cool stuff.

and then had family dinner which we havent had in a looong while and heard the funniest things from my parents. most of it shdn't/can't be repeated here unfortunately. heh

sigh...so it's been a good day. spent most of the time running round in the lib...finding more journal articles, going thru theses, printing a ton of notes, bumping into pple....jan, amu, aunty yee pin, candice....i like randomness. like tellerman. haha ok work work. it's 10pm already?!?!?!

trust

2007-01-31T23:37:00.000+08:00

so i got down to my first bit of real writing for the sem. had to finish my part of the draft of my 5000 word group paper and boy did i struggle. and of course my bad habits of reading and reading and reading before i get down to writing and mulling a gazillion years to get it out exactly the way i want it to are still there...so i spent way too long writing and confusing myself with too much info and losing track of what i wanted to say. bleah.

but i think that despite being stressed up about work, and realizing during cg as i was sharing that it's the last day of jan and i haven't collected any data for my thesis, i'm reminded of qt this morning. been reading Exodus and i see so much of myself in the Isrealites as they complain and grumble about this and that and seemingly forget about how God miraculously delivered them from the Egyptians and brought them thru the Red Sea and all! and i realized that hey...i say every sem that every sem's crazy and tougher than before...but every single sem, God sees me thru every single paper and project and late night and exam. so what's a thesis and an LKY module and welfare econs if He could send a strong east wind and sweep the red sea waters back all night so millions of Isrealites could walk on dry land rite?

2007-01-29T23:24:00.000+08:00

i've got such a bundle of emotions going on in me right now that it's weird. especially since they're all work-related/inspired. or maybe not. maybe they're just triggered by work.

anyway, got really frustrated and grumpy with myself coz i've been mulling over how to write my part for my 5000 word paper all day and i still have no clue. and after talking to dhoby, i realized that i'm pretty darn screwed. can't believe i lended myself the econs part of the paper. but it's on my plate and it's gotta be done by hook or by crook. i just realized how bad that rhyme sounds. sounds so criminalish. gee. randomness never fails to strike me even tho i'm feeling defeated. then it sucks to feel defeated over work. man it's only 15%. if only it only required that much, or little, effort. then i feel bad for being a grump on dhoby and my brother who've come in contact with the grouch.

then i get an sms that someone else has agreed to be interviewed!! so that brings it up to 2 people. pathetic sounding still, but hey, i know have double the no. i've had for the past month! odd that just when i was about to throw in the towel and consider reshaping my thesis, i get a confirmed participant, a call from a friend who works in an agency who finds out i got rejected by his staff member and who has decided to fight for my case with his bosses tmr tho he's already helped me so so much, and an email to my sup from his ex-student saying his agency is willing to support my research - all in one day.

it's all giving me a headache. bleah.

He Sees

2007-01-29T17:57:00.000+08:00

i haven't had monday blues in a long time. mostly coz for the last 4-5 sems, i've steered clear of classes that are on monday or that start earlier than 9am. so i've never had school on monday. but there wasn't much of a choice about it this sem coz welfare econs was scheduled for monday morning from the start of the AY. so i headed to school today feeling rather bleah. possibly coz the last few moments on my bed last night before i fell off to sleep were spent worrying, and then telling myself not to worry, about my thesis as well as how the rest of the sem looked set to get a lot worse from here. after about half an hour of worrying and trying not to worry, i must have fallen asleep. got up 5.5 hrs later a grump.

but that has since changed and i've got a ton to be grateful for and so i'm posting it to remind myself and to tell others what a great God i have! :) ok let me tell you/me why. haha

so you see, i've been pretty worried about my LKY class..coz everyone's so old. and experienced. and wise. and foreign. but then, i had the first proper project meeting with my group on saturday and i learnt so much more about them and their country and poverty. some country-sensitive info that can't be blogged about, but essentially, hearing about how things are in other SEA countries was a real an eye-opener and it helped put things back in perspective for me.

then i spent the entire weekend trying to get readings done and get down to writing that 5000 word paper. but plans got foiled here and there...but overall, a pretty productive weekend. but despite that, i got really worried about how my thesis is coming along, or not. and how it's the end of jan and i have 2 months to interview, transcribe, code, analyze, write, write, and err, write. and how i haven't even interviewed a single person! (ok, this is not a new "worry" of mine obviously...but it comes back to eat at me now and then). but during the short break i took just before writing this, i bumped into the level coordinator and he talked me through some other possibilities and reminded me that it's merely an academic exercise and i could explore other ways of working things out. and that again helped me see things in a better perspective. he gave me a few new options and mils and i decided to pop by dr ngiam's office to run them by him. and surprise surprise, he was there! (ok, u've gotta understand this. dr ngiam's almost never around. but almost every single time we've gone aknocking with no appointment and whenever we felt like popping by, he's there! that to me, is really really one of God's blessings and wonderful acts of provision, i'm telling you coz most other people complain about never being able to get him). and he always welcomes us with open arms and spends hours (literally) talking to us about anything and everything. so everytime i go into his office and sink into his big arm chairs feeling worried and dismayed, once i sit down and talk to him, it all eases away. it's like talking to a shrink! haha but i'm reminded that it's God's way of telling me that He's provided me with the best ever supervisor who's gonna walk me thru this.

then i reluctantly trot back to the lib to do research..rather dismayed that most pple ard me are gone...then i bump into ade in the toilet and it turns out she's working alone. haha but not any more, coz she's with me now. grin.

so this has been a massively long post about various things. no time to slowly prune this post, but i guess thanksgiving just flows and shouldn't be tampered with. hahaa ok i'm just lazy. but really, God is so so good.

frivolous me

2007-01-26T20:26:00.000+08:00

i think i'd make a pretty good motivator...know how they pay adam khoo like a ton of money to teach kids to work hard and all? well i'd charge half of that and probably be twice as effective! probably would only work with girls tho. hahaha let me explain...

anyway, so i'd been deliberating since last night where i should study today rite? and in the end...i stayed home. i think that was the "orange" option, right dhoby? haha anyway, knew that if i didn't have little things to break the monotony of it all, i'd be mightily unproductive. so i built in little incentives like arranging supper with farand at the start of the day (must always have the end in mind and an incentive to work towards) and painting my nails (short, focused breaks).

you see, nail painting really does take a whole lot of time and patience coz you've gotta let each coat dry and all. so, i built in each stage into my readings! i'd paint a coat after i was done with one reading and let it dry then do the next coat. by then, the previous coat would be prefectly dry! so with 3 coats on my toes and 2 coats on my fingers, i made it through like 7 readings or about 200 or so pages within the afternoon. quite a feat (feet) eh?

haha 5 more readings to cover tonight before supper and tmr's project meeting. better get down to it. with only about 2 hours before supper, glad the nail painting is done. no time for breaks between now and then already! heh but i do feel mighty accomplished today! perfectly painted nails and a whole lot of work done! grin. what good progress i've made on my thesis research, if i may say so myself. heh

you and i

2007-01-26T00:43:00.000+08:00

so maybe, just maybe i've got a more positive thing going with the library now. it's not longer as horrible and icky and depressing and dull and cold and unkind and unfriendly and gross as i used to make it out to be. been spending a whole lot more time in there coz of the sheer amount of researching and reading that's just gotta be done. and also coz the motivation and support working with fellow thesis-sloggers is just great! :)

so obviously, i do a lot better with the company. wait, what am i saying? company is essential. can't do without it in the library for long. haha at least with people ard u and the constant little noises made, the deafening silence can't get to you! so maybe, just maybe, in my final sem, i'll make up for the years and years i've masterfully stayed away from the library. haha maybe you and i will be ok this sem!

but as for tomorrow, i'm heading to vivo. haha a great cup of coffee at pacific coffee or gloria jeans over readings beats the lib anytime! heh and according to dhoby, that's a "banana" choice. heh

Your heart

2007-01-24T20:05:00.000+08:00

sometimes i feel like throwing in the towel. i thought the cycle had finally been broken. the cycle where you continuously go round and round with those almost predictable ups and downs spiritually. and i thought that finally we could move on. but just when i thought all was well, you prove me wrong. and it hurts and sometimes it makes me angry and impatient.

then i'm stopped in my judgemental tracks when i'm reminded of what our Father's heart is like. He's always loving, always patient, always forgiving, and He always has His hands extended no matter how many times we walk away. and i realize that i'm no better. i fall away too. maybe i just conceal it better. and oh i'm in need of so much grace too...to walk right, to be set apart, and i guess the only difference between us, is that i need so much more grace to lead in love. thanks for reminding me that more than ever, i need His grace. you're special and i care about you, though i can be harsh.

it's all about the company

2007-01-22T23:41:00.000+08:00

it's true. really. it boils down to the company. three random events today made me realize that it essentially is about the company.

the project group
gerard surprised us by turning up for Welfare Econs today and it really made my day! and kenny's back from Vietnam...so we're a full group again...spent the entire sem trying to coax Gerard into doing Welfare with us coz it just wldn't be the same w/o him but he'd just smile...so today when he showed up, i was convinced that Welfare Econs would be a blast! then having lunch with the group (we need a name to go by i think) after class sealed it for me that my last sem would really be good coz i've got good company to end it off with! :) and of course when we were standing in the queue at the jap stall and kenny deliberately stepped on my slipper and grinned at me, i looked at gerard and said "yup...the boy's back." and he said "yeah, was just gonna say that. and that our marginal social cost has just gone up" haha.

chindia
then i happened to bump into lav in the lib today and within minutes, we came up with what has been our most promising and exciting grad trip plan so far - Latin America then California for 3 weeks. but then...(i shd have seen this coming really) my parents said no. coz it's not safe. coz dhoby and andrew aren't going. or there are no guys going with us in general. without the boys, i have no idea what my options are. didn't feel like pursuing it after they burst my bubble. sigh. anyway babe, we'll try and work this out soon k?

my cg
but on a slightly happier note, my cg's having an mid-week outing tmr! since most of us are along Bt Timah or thereabts and we decided on Venezia then dinner near by at 6th ave! then poor toille says he has a meeting in church at 7 so i asked him what's the point of coming for just 1/2 hr? and he said "it sure beats not having ice cream with my cg tho!" haha and i had to agree with that. i'm delighted that most of my kids are beginning to really gel and these informal things only help to improve things! :) so yup...am definitely looking forward to inane comments, random jokes, and a whole lotta fun tmr after a gruelling 3 hour class on Poverty.

the ever conscientious one

2007-01-21T17:20:00.000+08:00

ok so since i can't edit my posts after i click "publish post", i have to be so much more careful! that sucks. haha

but anyway, i've realized anew how being in control and on top of things is so so important to me. been feeling kinda crappy coz i'm massively behind readings that i know i need to get up to speed with...so i drive myself to get them done and the tv junkie in me is put to death instantly. and i can drive myself so hard sometimes all for the sake of how good it makes me feel at the end of it. but that's just one aspect of the many i like to be in control of. i think if there's one area in my spiritual walk i struggle the most in, it'd have to be walking and living by faith.

even though 2006 held so many lessons of letting go, i obviously still haven't mastered how to.

isn't it ironic how i'm posting this only after almost getting up to speed with my readings? haha or at least what i hope to accomplish today. and then, i'm only posting this after i've reread it twice to make sure i didn't make any spelling errors or anything. *rolls eyes at myself*

2007-01-20T22:51:00.000+08:00

the strangest thing came to mind today right at the start of service!

trooped up to Bethel with my cg in tow about 5 mins before service started and found that most of the "youth seats" taken...and the only row that could fit all 7 of us was the front row. so we took it and settled down and soon enough, usha and band opened the time of worship with Beautiful Saviour. and it really helped me focus and prepare for myself for the time of worship...but at the end of it, nat and eleanor started whispering to each other about something and giggling. haha and no, it didn't irritate me. instead, it suddenly made me realize that that's how i'd want my wedding to be like! i'd want my cg to be sitting right in front when i walk down the aisle! haha it's like the strangest thought ever, but i could suddenly imagine such a wonderful sense of anticipation and excitement in the air. i can't explain it...i think i'm spoiling it by trying to articulate it but well lav, this is no.2 on my list of wants/to-dos for my wedding when u plan it k? haha

then it made wonder what all my cg kids would be doing in many years from now when i finally get married. haha and whether they'd all still be in church, whether they'd be serving, whether they'd beat me to walking down the aisle.....hahaha

and i realized that hey! my job with them is really nearing completion. nat and toille did such an amazing job at preparing and leading BS today. even though it wasn't on husbands and wives as it should have been, they really nailed the topic they chose to lead on. and i think that they leading BS on honoring their parents really challenged them and their peers to do so. i see that i may soon be retrenched. hahaah

on a side note, toille has decided that i offically am the perfect example of a couch potato coz i came home and had TV dinner and watched
1) a chick flick (A Time to Dance - which i insist isn't a chick flick lah...it made me cry a ton!)
2) my money increase in the near future (News - social workers pays are finally gonna head north! wohoo!)
3) a comedy (My Name is Earl)

hahahaa

2007-01-19T09:37:00.000+08:00

haha haven't blogged in awhile. there's something about this new blogskin. it makes me real tardy to post somehow...maybe it's the more solemn colours or something.

anyway, i think a good friendship, or anything that reminds you of one, is worthy of a post. i'm sure the boy this post is about won't ever read this, but that doesn't really matter i guess.

so i smsed andrew to tell me if he was gonna meet us on sat nite...but in usual andrew style, he doesn't reply for ages. then hours later, he calls...talks/whines a bit about work, then abruptly says he'll call me back...but again, in usual andrew style, doesn't. no surprise, i think to myself. but this time, i decide to do an un-eunice thing and msg him smt along the lines of "wow, so much for calling me back" and he goes "heh" it's so typical lah. finally, his conscience probably pricks or something, and he does call me back. this time, i'm really surprised!

anyhow, what ensues is a really good, honest conversation. and i realized that i was so straight up with him and told him exactly what i thought w/o mincing what i felt or thought that it made me smile at the end of it all coz that's the hallfmark of a special friendship. although what we talked about means he'll no longer be able to support lav's and my hope of a jetsetting lifestyle, i know it'll bring my dear friend nearer back to what i've always known, and been impressed by, what he stands for. i'm glad you're a non-conformer. and willing to hear me talk at length for once about what ur usually not open to hearing was a rare moment indeed. :)

2007-01-15T21:37:00.000+08:00

ooh i don't know why i can't put up photos anymore. i have 2 hilarious ones that i really wanna put up...but i guess they'll have to wait till something works out.

in the mean time, i'm proud to announce that i'm pretty pleased with today's effort to start working. feel accomplished coz i did several small things that have been sitting on my to-do list so that's a good feeling. oh! and i got my first interview secured! so thank God for that! :) even managed to go for a good run and have dinner with sulwyn and watch the finale of So you think u can dance? haha. wanted to watch this bollywood show but there wasn't enough time. well...at least there were still fantastic dance moves to watch! :)

oh, and if there's one observtion i've made about myself...i think i'm becoming a tv junkie. not good not good.

2007-01-15T01:02:00.000+08:00

ok...i feel like i've finally woken up to the reality that i'm rather screwed...or will be, if i don't seriously get down to working on my thesis.

enough of this complaceny already. it's not good enough that i've tried getting contacts. i better get on my knees and pray for them to come thru otherwise my thesis, which is based a ridiculously great deal on my interviews, is gonna fall thru. i need to get those interviews and start doing them and transcribing them and analyzing them and making sense of them so i can start writing my 12000 word thesis.

i need to start dedicating my 3 free days, which really aren't meant to be free, to researching, reading, writing, and more of those three.

surely if 4/5s of all i'm doing this sem and for the rest of what's left of uni is gonna end by march, and i can merrily go around telling everyone that, then i better get down to doing some serious work. like for real. and not just talk about it.

lav's allowed herself one social engagement a fortnight! i'm like allowing myself wayyyy too many for one who has a whole lot more to do than she actually realizes. it's 15th jan. i'm half way thru the first of the three months i have to write a paper that's worth 12mcs. wake up, eunice.

ok, so that concludes a short segment of serious self talk.

2007-01-14T21:51:00.000+08:00

wow...so apparently i have new skin! haha no, i didn't change it on my own. now that would really be new if i did, wldn't it? instead, beryl surprised me by doing it for me and not telling me. told her i loved this look but she wasn't familiar with the codes it used or smt (is that even the word? "code?") haha my my, aren't we convinced now by how techsavy i am. anyway, so this darling ex-cg member of mine figured it and surprised me with new skin! so thank u so so much dear! i like surprises :) in fact, i wldn't have begun blogging to begin with if u din set everything up for me so i cld just write and post it up. haha so thank u again!

heh for those of u reading this, bear with the fact that not everything's on one page. wld have loved for it to be that way and for u guys to be able to leave comments but i think this template doesn't allow it. heh nonetheless, swanky new wallpaper for a brand new year. :)

it's been a long weekend...but a fun one. enjoyed spending time with my cg and going for our 24/7 prayer slot last nite. and toille, i WAS focusing ok. i can multitask.

so as if spending the entire day together wasn't enough after all that trickery (looks straight at the boys) and laughter and BS and praying and all, tai and toille decided that it'd be a swell idea to have a cg outing today since we were all free. or so we thought, until we figured out that really wasn't the case. only the 3 of us were. again, or so we thought, until tai tai had to have lunch with his family. heh nonetheless, toille, cindy, n i had good fun today. sunday's are amazingly refreshing when u get to share a salmon and cream cheese bagel and a cranberry scone, and enjoy a good cuppa coffee. sunday's are a whole lotta fun when u spend it at toys 'r' us shopping for a gift for our cg host's 3 beautiful daughters. was a fulfilling day i must say!

so the first week of school has ended with all its fun and slackness. i am actually going to sch tmr to try working on my thesis. ha! tryyyy....trytrytry. oh no..it's suppose to be "dream". ok nvm...this first post to my swanky new blog ain't turning out too great.

2007-01-12T16:05:00.000+08:00

i've found...or refound (if there's such a word) a new joy in life! walkin' in the rain! : )

it's so so much fun! if u haven't already done it lately or tried to hide away from it by staying indoors, u have NO idea how much fun ur missing out on! if u have done it, but spent the entire time cursing and swearing under ur breadth, u've done it all wrong!

i've decided that it's all in the mind.

those of u who know me well know that i have a love/hate relationship with the sun. like if i'm mentally prepared to get hot and sweat it out playing a sport or being in the sun or smt, i loooove the sun and can't wait to bask in it. but if i'm dressed up and not ready to get sticky and ickypoo, then i hate the sun and no matter how u try convincing me to walk to some nearby coffeeshop or smt, i won't budge. i'd rather starve and die.

ok, so it is with rain. if i'm dressed up or wearing slippery slippers (no, don't laugh. not all slippers are slippery. just some...like my black xcessorize pair), or wearing a light coloured bottom, or am just not mentally psyched up to walk in the rain, i get kinda whiney and grumpy about it. but then, i realized in the last 24 hours how much fun it really is!

met andrew, dhoby and lav for dinner yday and dhoby's first question was "are we gonna get wet?" so when we finally saw mr wang (who looked real sharp i must say) with 2 umbrellas, we knew we were. we also knew he probably didn't know exactly where in little india he was bringing us to which is typical. but in the rain we walked...thru puddles and thru back alleys and all. and finally we ended up at some organic vegetarian restaurant that didn't have anything indian. haha but to end the night properly, we trooped in the rain to some coffeeshop for masala tea and thosai coz the rest were still hungry before making out way back to the station in the pouring rain.

and the rain continues today! thot i had to go to sch but mils said i didn't which was perhaps the best thing that's happened today...besides sleeping in. heh so i went to cut my hair. thought there'd be no one at the hairdressers since its raining buckets but obviously everyone else thought the same. nonetheless, the walk there and back in pouring rain was ohsomuchfun! :) don't be fooled by those korean/hongkong dramas that show depressed, lonely, brokenhearted fools walking and crying in the rain. that's not what rain's for! i tell u, there's just something about not seeing a puddle, stepping into it, hearing a little splish and laughing involuntarily. it's a natural sequence! really!

then it struck me as i was merrily walking in the rain that the christian walk is much like that too - it's a lot about what goes on in the mind. like if u set ur mind to being set apart, to loving God, to choosing His way over others, to loving others, the journey is so much more fun. it can be dreaded and u can whine abt how u have to give this and that up and be a holymole, or u can embrace it and love all God has allowed and well..sing in the rain! guess that's why we're told to love God with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength.

so go walk in the rain! roll up ur pants, grab a pair of slippers, have a huge umbrella, and thank God for rain! :)

2007-01-09T00:13:00.000+08:00

heeelp. i'm becoming a nerd. spent a few hours in the lib printing notes for Welfare Econs...i've never been in the lib the first day of sch! i try to stay out for even the first month if i can help it. well obviously honours yr doesn't allow that.

and mils is trying to convince me to go down regularly to work on our thesis in school. how depressing is that?!? haha i know u mean well dear...but ooooh bummer. the library??

ok i'm done whining. gonna go sleep. school, and esp the lib, and esp the printing room zaps my energy. heh heh.

2007-01-07T18:18:00.000+08:00

didn't quite dawn on me that today was the first Sunday of the year until i got all these handshakes from people whose names i mostly didn't remember and whose faces i but vaguely recognized and who wished me "happy new year!" visited my parents church today and it was a nice and refreshing change. was way odd being introduced to the entire church when my dad was doing announcements tho. haha but i think farand got it way worse. heh. during these once-in-a-blue-moon kinda visits, all the aunties and uncles who saw me growing up way back when we were in Peninsula EFC come up and say hi and gush about how i've grown and all...and well,today they had some other questions too but oh well...haha

and then it just dawned on me that school's starting tmr! and that it may be the last time i ever say that it's the first day of school coz it's my last sem before i graduate. in a desperate bid to get a little more psyched up for school, i bought myself a nice new notebook that's brown and has gold and blue and shades of both stripes on it. haha how sad is that. i guess after so so many years of school, i still can't shake off that sick feeling i have in the pit of my stomach the day before school. it almost always turns out fine, but i guess i'm just kinda apprehensive about the sem ahead (then again, i am every sem). but this time round, i think i may be spending a lot of time feeling really dumb as i struggle thru the econs in Welfare Econs and a postgrad module. haha what can i say? thank God dhoby's home!

ok so enough moping and whining. Dear Father, what do You have in store for me this sem? as i think back about the weekend of worship, this one song stuck with me from yday's worship service. couldn't possibly get harder than this though. haha it only gets harder to sing as the song goes on..not coz ur out of breath or anything..but coz of the weight of what it means.

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love.

Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee;
Take my voice and let me sing,
Always, only for my King.

Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee;
Take my silver and my gold,
Not a mite would I withhold.

Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in endless praise;
Take my intellect and use
Every pow’r as Thou shalt choose.

Take my will and make it Thine,
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart, it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure store;
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee.