yikes...again it's been awhile since i last attempted to keep my blog alive...

i'm harbouring thots of shutting it down since i'm so lazy abt it...heh but like my Goose, my fluff friend turtle (it's ok if u don't get it...), others help maintain it for me...so it somehow stays alive...haha told my colleagues tt i'm really not good with anything tt requires real time commitment...ade, the plant u gave me at christmas died....not tt i did'nt try looking after it...there was a spider mite in it tt was killing it so the plant specialist in my office said i had to dump it : (

anyway, i haven't done it here and so i shd...tho a bit late....but anyway, if i were to list 10 blessings from last yr, this wld make the list :

1. how my cg has grown!! in numbers and also in depth...i've had the awesome privilege of spending really good times with some of them towards the end of the yr and just hearing them talk shows me how God's really at work. and tt really has been the highlight...watchnite and christmas and telunas and all...it was abt seeing my cg grow tt made me glow. hahaha how cheesy's that?
2. my job!! i thank God for excellent colleagues, a fantastic boss, work i truly enjoy most of the time...and yeah, i wouldnt' trade it for anything else...tho i've decided tt i can't work for too long...it's too tiring...haha
3. graduating! i'm so so so glad i'm done with school...i hardly miss it...heh sure i miss the friends, the time...but tt's abt it...i truly enjoy now the ability to shut off and get away from work once i leave the office and not have to work late into the nite :)
4. clarity - was reflecting abt what's changed since the last time i sat on the jetty at Telunas exactly a yr back and i realised it was tt God had really made some things really clear to me in the past yr. the yr before, i had a lot of qns but this yr, they seemed to have answers to them...at least in part so i'm very thankful...
5. family.
6. grad trip! going away for an entire month to europe was simply amazing!
7. being able to start work and still serve as actively in youth ministry...in fact more actively! :)
8. telunas
9. telunas (heh it's so good it's a double count)
10. being able to start a new yr and start counting all over

ok it's late now hence the reduction in quality as we proceeded down the list. heh but really, it's been a really long, good year and i'm nothing but thankful :)

that's something quite unexplainable about it.

i'm physically back at work but i couldn't be further in every other way. been looking longingly at telunas photos on farand's flickr site and wishing a million times over that i was still there.

i honestly can't place what it is about telunas but it's probably my favourite place in the world at this point. it's tranquil. it's exactly the same a year after we'd last been there. it's beautiful. it's simple. it's where i could just sit for hours undistracted and meet with God and know i'm in His presence. it's where i see and recognise His hand in creation. it's where i know without a doubt that my God is bigger than i ever imagined Him to be. it's where i spoke heart-to-heart with people. it's where there are so many crazy memories like the water game and details that ought to be forgotten...

i suppose more than the place, the highlight of this year's telunas retreat was simply being away from the busyness of life to connect with God and people and be totally refreshed.

so now that i'm back at work...i'm still pining for telunas and to be there with people i've grown to really love over the years. it should have energised me to dive back into work and ministry but it's kinda just left me wistful. haha thankfully all the bosses are not at work today either...gives me some time to ease back into work after a week away...

there's something really beautiful about friendships...they've an amazing ability to brighten up the most mundane of days.

met mich for lunch today and claire totally surprised by showing up too! so we just caught up over thosai from ghim moh market on a wet, wet monday afternoon but it was the best lunch i had in awhile with my girls...

was suppose to go running with kel and cor at night too but it had rained all day so we opted for dinner at ikea instead...and since we didnt know whether we'd get to meet up over christmas again, we decided that since it was wet and cold, and we had great christmas music from my pod, we'd take a drive down orchard to soak up the christmas feel and some...and to top it off, we swung by starbucks for a toffee nut latte and hazelnut hot chocolate...

so that was monday : ) and it was made beautiful by fantastic company : )

thanks guys!

need these perks every now and then...esp after a long, heavy going wk like the one before...

we're 2 weeks from christmas!!! and 1 week from telunas!!!! can't wait! : )

in case i don't post for the next decade or so, merry christmas everyone!

haha i suck. it's been more than a month since i last posted anything.

just haven't found the time to do it. and i think this is the first time i've been on the computer on a weekend since i started working...heh guess coz it's also the first time i've been home on a weekend since goodness knows when.

so i finally understand what it means to have a lazy saturday...feels pretty nice for a change...rather than the full day in church playing touch then lunch and having cg and going for service then hanging around till late...

so since i've officially been on the job for 5 months and i'm gonna be confirmed next week, figured it's time to kinda take stock of it all. realised a couple of things...

1. despite how much work there is to do in the office, i feel like i'm not thinking as hard as i used to when i was studying. i miss doing research, being able to spend hours reading and synthesizing stuff and writing and thinking and yeah...work's just alot different...there's always an endless list of things to do and i guess coz the demands come from all over all the time, there's less time to really think. u've just gotta do do do. so working hard ain't the same as thinking hard.

2. and working hard without thinking hard is an easy mode to slip into. it's productive and efficient...but i'm not convinced i'm giving my best. so i've decided that i definitely wanna change that. i don't know how but i wanna be spending more time doing research and reading...haha but where the time to do that is gonna come from at work, i honestly honestly don't know.

3. and i guess then coz i've not been as analytical and critical and sharp about things as i used to be and coz there's less time to think, i've become less self-reflective.

haha so work can be degenerative!!! wanna break out of that...don't wanna just cruise on auto-pilot anymore...think that mode's encroached onto other aspects of life like ministry and keeping up relationships and all...i suppose i really miss being excited about things...about challenging and being challenged...about knowing where i'm headed (then again, i never really do know coz i mostly go with the flow...).

so i'm going back to a place where i "re-find" my passion, my direction, and my purpose...sounds like some big overhaul but no...really it's just stealing away to be with my Father so that my compass may be realigned and my feet planted in the right direction... : )

i've made an interesting discovery about myself...one that i've been somewhat conscious yet unbelieving about coz it remains unproven...

I think i'm commmitment-phobic. and i discovered this in a rather strange kinda way.

ok so i went running with ade on sun evening and we chanced upon three rabbits in the middle of some field near Innova. so we all know eunice doesn't like kids and pets too much...she likes them for awhile to play with...but not to keep. but in the 10-15 mins ade and i played with the bunnies, i very rapidly fell in love with them. surprise surprise.

just as we were about to cart them home with us in the cage and we were talking about how much Asher would love to have them and how i actually contemplated bringing one home with me, this man came out from his worksite and said the rabbits were his! gee did our hearts sink...but it made me think about getting a rabbit or two of my own...for real.

so i told my animal-lover colleagues about it when i got to work yday and Yvonne said I really should consider getting them from SPCA. she then went on to tell me what having a rabbit involved and i must say....i chickened out. haha the commitment involved scared me...she said i had to feed it, clean its cage, play with it, make space for it, spend time with it, yadayada...she assured me that rabbits were quite easy to care for...which i somewhat agreed...easier than a cat or a dog i suppose...and more fulfilling to have than a fish or a frog...but after thinking about what was involved, i figured i just wasn't ready to make that many changes to accomodate something new in my life.

hahaha so here's where one can draw 2 lessons. one can externalise and tell others that they should learn from my lesson and not get a pet on impulse and later abandon it when the going gets tough and the reality of caring for a pet sets in. but one can also internalise the events that transpired and realise that she's really rather commitment-phobic. i know i can't handle the commitment so i bail before it becomes one i've gotta deal with. to which Yvonne said "but once you love it, you'll make time for it and do it"

but that's exactly it. i know that to be so, so true. once i allow myself to fall, i'm all in. so i usually bail before that even happens.

maybe that's why something a speaker said at a lecture series i attended last week struck me. though taken out of context somewhat, what he said about how relationships always involve some risk, really got me. coz it's true and i know it. i'm just not willing to take it unless i'm convinced it's worth it.

and often...i need to be convinced. that's the bottom line really.

i just need to be convinced. and it's not difficult. i know lav would agree with me. hahaha

just had to put this down though i've got a ton of work waiting. heh.

you know how the Bible says that God is the Father to the fatherless? well that just took on a new meaning for me :)

been moaning about how since my parents are away, i haven't gotten the usual share of great mooncakes. now i loooove mooncakes but i never buy them coz usually..my mom takes care of that and my aunts and uncles and all usually get them or something...i don't know how but usually there'll be a good stash at home. but since my parents have been gone...there've been no mooncakes :( and it's really quite sad...haha my colleagues think it's hilarious that i've never bought a box of mooncakes before and that i don't know where to go to get them...

anyway, so first thing this morning, a colleague walked into my room with a nice blue box and said "i've brought my favourite mooncakes from Raffles Hotel to share...take one!" and like a little child, my eyes twinkled and i broke into a HUGE grin. that has really made my day...

thank You, Father :) You amaze me at how attentive You are to even these smallest of things!